&t“…Mom told him “Just cause she use to waitress at a poolside bar doesn’t mean she can clean our pool,”…”

I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the disappointing effort my Michigan Wolverines gave on Saturday. What happened was kind of embarrassing. You see, while I was taking a whizz during halftime, my all-access pass (the secret ID card that proves I’m the head coach) fell in the toilet. I wasn’t about to go fishing around in there to dig it out, so I asked Lloyd if I could borrow his. He’s still pretty upset about me firing him (he’s still around as a figurehead), so that was a no-go. In the end, the Wisconsin security guards wouldn’t let me back on the field for the second half! I tried coaching via cell phone, but I could only get a signal long enough to call in one play. Obviously, that one play was the sweet flea flicker that went for a TD. The rest of the second half was all Lloyd. I don’t mean to deflect blame; I should be more responsible with my pissing. But that doesn’t let Lloyd off the hook. He proved again why he needed to be fired. Maybe the man’s a better pisser than I am (in fact I know he is), but that sure as fuck doesn’t mean he knows how to coach football. Sorry… I’ll try not to let it happen again.

-Many happy returns to retired blogger and recovering albino funk lord Gorilla. He’s an extremely handsome dude and I’m not just saying that because I often get mistaken for him.

- Speaking of brothers, I can only assume this will be the best movie ever. The YING YANG TWINS AS VIAGRA DEALERS TRYING TO MAKE IT TO SPRING BREAK! Check it out on Billboard.com I couldn’t name one of their songs, but I love me some Ying Yang Twins, these guys are amazing to me because I’m pretty sure at least one of them is retarded and one of them is always high, but the fun is guessing who is who? Have you ever seen their cribs? It’s incredible; their Mc-mansion in Atlanta is mostly empty, except for, no reason in particular, a smattering of nautical themed stuff out of an lame CEO’s office. Seriously I will go see this on opening day, or more likely will preorder it from straighttovideorappermovies.com.

-God loves you and wants you to be happy. How do we know? Read the article in the New York Times about how the singer from the Spin Doctors had his vocal chords paralized without any medical reason recently.

The last couple days I’ve been telling everyone who would listen about my theory that actor Adam Goldberg (who I like just fine) is just the kiss of death for any new TV show. He’s just one of those seemingly funny actors who gets a new series every year and it last about two minutes and then is canceled. The curse proved completely right today. RIP Head Cases; I’m sorry I had to turn you off because you featured a naked Richard Kind.

Other theories of mine that will quickly prove true:

- Tom Hanks would have survived through Saving Private Ryan’s final battle if you-know-who hadn’t dragged down the entire unit.

-Waking Life was gonna be a really normal, wonderful cartoon movie ala A Bug’s Life, till Adam Goldberg gave the whole cast and crew dangerous drugs to “expanded their minds” into mush.

-Citizen Kane, Annie Hall and Home Alone: All awesome, all not starring …

-If I got a baby dolphin immediately after birth, I could train it to live on land like other mammals no problem.

-Russell Crowe’s roommate wasn’t imaginary in A Beautiful Mind, he was murdered! Mmm but who could have done it? Who else was in that movie?

Somebody get to Christina Ricci quick.

Seriously with Rita about to hit and lots of lives at stake, we’d like to be the first knee-jerk liberals to point out that the federal response will certainly be running smoother not just because Bush is from Texas and loves cronyism, but because he also loves Mexicans.

And to the sweet Morman girls who came to my door today, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your mumbo-jumbo about the End of Days. That would have been useful about now.

SGSerilla: we’re averaging like __* new readers a day, but we gotta keep roping them in!
SGSerilla: we’ve got to!
joelhoard: i got nothin
SGSerilla: don’t gimme that
SGSerilla: maybe we should bring back stick-figures**
joelhoard: haha
SGSerilla: it’s so much easier to be brillant with a stickfigure doing the talking
SGSerilla: maybe we should just publish our IM conversations
joelhoard: let’s talk about… hrmm… i don’t know what
SGSerilla: seriously … hurricanes are huge now
joelhoard: i wanna be a hurricane
SGSerilla: rita is a 5 now
joelhoard: rita is such a bitchy name
SGSerilla: yeah i never knew a nice rita
joelhoard: it makes me think of a screaming middle-aged housewife
SGSerilla: rita rudder
SGSerilla: she’s alright in my book
joelhoard: she was cool i guess
SGSerilla: hapercollins is publishing it
joelhoard: what’s it called?
SGSerilla: “women comedians i sort of like”
joelhoard: who else is there?
SGSerilla: poundstone
SGSerilla: judy gold
SGSerilla: the diller
SGSerilla: it’s a coffee table book
joelhoard: mostly pictures?
SGSerilla: yeah all pictures and i give some of them nicknames
SGSerilla: either a tiny varition on their names or something really uncalled for
joelhoard: like this: paula poundstone? more like paula poundSUCK
joelhoard: we need to use more “more like” jokes
SGSerilla: jan hooks, more like Jan Can’t-hook-a-man
joelhoard: ooo!
SGSerilla: i know i had to think about that
SGSerilla: it’s a work in progress
SGSerilla: see all this was gold, pure gold
joelhoard: i agree

*we added a statcounter thing to the site but we don’t wanna make you feel bad by telling you how many hits we get a day. You’re welcome.
** the boys drew a cartoon for their college paper called “stickfigures are awesome.”

As many of you know Uncle Grambo of whatevs is still missing after disappearing three weeks ago into the Louisiana bayou to rescue Great-Grandma Grámbou and their family’s collection of antique muffulettas. Our hearts go out to all the FOWs out there stuck essentially having to do their jobs during this difficult time.

Here’s some gibberish to tide you over: Fizzleflam buzz all over your effing tourist tees, gangees.

So I’m bouncing around Myspace the other day, not looking for anything in particular. I only have like 20 “friends”, at least one of which is an Italian death-metal band who asked for an add seconds after I signed up. And I got the brilliant idea to search for myself in the friend finder and make sure all the folks desperately seeking my approval of their groundbreaking new band can get a hold of me. Of course, my page isn’t listed under my own name, it’s under the pseudonym I made up for work when I write something for one reason or another I don’t wanna actually sign, which is “Marshal Stack.” So basically if anybody ever did wanna find me they couldn’t, but I’m so witty that I don’t need friends. They’d never appreciate my droll aphorisms have as much as I do anyways.

I thought I was being all Samuel Clemens brilliant, but as I searched I found there was is another guy in Woodinville, Washington with the same name on Myspace, which just ruins it. He’s 49, divorced, his heroes are “People who defy corrupt oligarchic government and resist corporate rule,” oh yeah, and supposedly he’s one of the Seattle-area’s most successful erotic photographers and producers of adult videos. Still the Porn Marshall spells it without the space, “MarshallStack,” so that leads me to believe i was first. Now he’s got marshallstack.com, where he markets his wares, but I have myspace.com/marshalstack and blog.myspace.com/marshalstack.

I assume this works like Highlander and eventually one of us will have to kill the other, but in the meantime if you wanna get your CD reviewed, come to me. If you’re haunted by a terrible abusive childhood and wanna make daddy pay so bad, go see him. Wait, no — still come see me.

If you make amps, well good for you and your fax-sending lawyers!

Important news from Ann Arbor: Lloyd Carr has been relieved of his duties as head coach of the Michigan football team. He will be replaced by the previously unknown Joel Hoard. This change brings an end to Michigan’s tradition of ultra-conservative offense, which has included as staples the 2-yard run, the 3-yard pass, and the incomplete 3-yard pass. Hoard has pledged to bench quarterback Chad Henne, who will be replaced by the previously unknown Joel Hoard. Hoard is a 6-foot-6-inch monster of a quarterback with a cannon for an arm. New staples of the Michigan offense will include the 40-yard pass, the 50-yard pass, and the triple option.

More news to follow.