As many of you know, Joel and I have been working as freelance political consultants for a matter of days now, and if you’ll forgive two old election warhorses for prattling on, we’d like to dusting off some well-worn Beltway wisdom for a little guy out there who seems a bit lost. Not only has he been catching flack from conventional voices of opposition, but also from upstart luminaries and mossy old-guard claptraps. Troubling as this all might be, Mr. President, there is only one way to slip away from your mounting troubles: Prevent gay people from having abortions.

Hear us out. Nothing else is working right? You warmly offer to rebuild the simple beach house of a lowly government official like Trent Lott, and left-wing nuts say you’re missing the big picture (obviously the insensitive prigs don’t care if the Senator’s grandkids ever learn to play croquet). Your mother innocently suggests for most kids living in a sport-arena is a dream come true and they call for her poor, saintly head. What do they want?

They want strong leadership; they want pro-active responses and tough love; they want you to stop homosexual couples from recklessly aborting their unborn children.

If we learned anything last November, Sir, it’s that Americans are deeply concerned about homosexual marriage and their deeply concerned about preserving a culture of life. But in the hypnotic trance of the media, how many of them realize that those crucial issues are on a dangerous collusion course?? You, Mr. President, need to seize this historic moment, when the entire world is watching and be the first to publicly and resoundingly condemn gay abortions. God save the republic, you Sir, and the prenatal fetuses of homos.