Important news from Ann Arbor: Lloyd Carr has been relieved of his duties as head coach of the Michigan football team. He will be replaced by the previously unknown Joel Hoard. This change brings an end to Michigan’s tradition of ultra-conservative offense, which has included as staples the 2-yard run, the 3-yard pass, and the incomplete 3-yard pass. Hoard has pledged to bench quarterback Chad Henne, who will be replaced by the previously unknown Joel Hoard. Hoard is a 6-foot-6-inch monster of a quarterback with a cannon for an arm. New staples of the Michigan offense will include the 40-yard pass, the 50-yard pass, and the triple option.

More news to follow.