I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the disappointing effort my Michigan Wolverines gave on Saturday. What happened was kind of embarrassing. You see, while I was taking a whizz during halftime, my all-access pass (the secret ID card that proves I’m the head coach) fell in the toilet. I wasn’t about to go fishing around in there to dig it out, so I asked Lloyd if I could borrow his. He’s still pretty upset about me firing him (he’s still around as a figurehead), so that was a no-go. In the end, the Wisconsin security guards wouldn’t let me back on the field for the second half! I tried coaching via cell phone, but I could only get a signal long enough to call in one play. Obviously, that one play was the sweet flea flicker that went for a TD. The rest of the second half was all Lloyd. I don’t mean to deflect blame; I should be more responsible with my pissing. But that doesn’t let Lloyd off the hook. He proved again why he needed to be fired. Maybe the man’s a better pisser than I am (in fact I know he is), but that sure as fuck doesn’t mean he knows how to coach football. Sorry… I’ll try not to let it happen again.