“… so Scout was all “Let’s start calling him “Uncle Kutch” as like a joke and see if he thinks it’s cool.” OMG he totally bit and today he comes in wearing a blinged-out diamond chain that says…”

“…after the eighth buddy cop treatment, I was like “I have a math test in the morning” and he starts screaming about building character …”

“… I get home from school, and him and Wilmer are watching with The Director’s Cut of “The Butterfly Effect” with the commentary track for like the hundred time and both laughing hysterically at all his comments and Wilmer’s drinking the last strawberry Capri Sun out of my mini-fridge in my bedroom (GROSS!) and pretending like the plot twists are blowing his mind. I asked if could use one of a spare FILA shoeboxes for my Cherokee village diarama and he say “No, I need to keep those organized” like he doesn’t have fifty in his stupid closet…”

“… fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck …”

“…every time he does something stupid he tries to pass it off as a prank he planned. Keys locked in the Land Rover — Punk’d! Forgot to feed Mr. Mittens — Punk’d! Well I guess it is kinda funny when your fall asleep in a hammock and your cigarette lights your trucker hat on fire …”

“…we’re the car going to dinner and he’s like “Let’s go to Planet Hollywood.” Again! Just so he doesn’t have to pick-up a check. Dad thought it was funny at first, but…”