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Ladies and Gentlemen FOX news loses it. What can we say except good luck to our friend, Steve who is going down to work.

As many of you know, Joel and I have been working as freelance political consultants for a matter of days now, and if you’ll forgive two old election warhorses for prattling on, we’d like to dusting off some well-worn Beltway wisdom for a little guy out there who seems a bit lost. Not only has he been catching flack from conventional voices of opposition, but also from upstart luminaries and mossy old-guard claptraps. Troubling as this all might be, Mr. President, there is only one way to slip away from your mounting troubles: Prevent gay people from having abortions.

Hear us out. Nothing else is working right? You warmly offer to rebuild the simple beach house of a lowly government official like Trent Lott, and left-wing nuts say you’re missing the big picture (obviously the insensitive prigs don’t care if the Senator’s grandkids ever learn to play croquet). Your mother innocently suggests for most kids living in a sport-arena is a dream come true and they call for her poor, saintly head. What do they want?

They want strong leadership; they want pro-active responses and tough love; they want you to stop homosexual couples from recklessly aborting their unborn children.

If we learned anything last November, Sir, it’s that Americans are deeply concerned about homosexual marriage and their deeply concerned about preserving a culture of life. But in the hypnotic trance of the media, how many of them realize that those crucial issues are on a dangerous collusion course?? You, Mr. President, need to seize this historic moment, when the entire world is watching and be the first to publicly and resoundingly condemn gay abortions. God save the republic, you Sir, and the prenatal fetuses of homos.

&

-Toothbrush

-Socks

-Plenty of Boxers

-Shorts to put on over the boxers in the morning when you get out of bed

-Running shoes

-A willingness to ignore your basic political convictions

-An extra bathing suit (in case the one you left behind earlier in the summer was mistakenly taken by girlfriend’s uncle, which at first seems OK because they were both red, but when you realize your medium has been switched with his extra large, is troubling on several levels)

-Imodium Ad, the biggest box they sell

Not to bring
-Your own pillow (only dandy lily-boys care about their neck, allergies)

-Awesome drug-store aviator sunglasses

-Off-beat sense of humor

Now that Nostrascottus has made his prediction, I guess there’s gonna be some changes happening. I’ve decided that effective next Tuesday, my official occupation will be thinker. You know, in the sense of Socrates. Plus I’m gonna find my own Plato to be my little bitch and write down all my kick-ass thoughts for posterity. I ain’t got time to write ‘em down myself, so someone’s gonna have to do it for me. I haven’t thought of what my first official thought as a thinker will be yet, but I guess we’ll find out on Tuesday. One thing’s for sure, it’ll be a muhfukkin’ doozy. Consider yourselves warned.

I just wanna say that’s it’s been really nice briefly having a blog with my friend Joel and I’m sorry that after labor day there will be no more computers or indie rock bands or technology. I would also like to point out, not in a snobby I-told-you-so way, but in a well-see-life-is-fragile way, that many of you have privately been scoffing at eatting babies for sometime now and well, now that you’ve got egg on your face, you don’t have to say sorry. I know you and your high horse never thought the day would come when you’d go out and eat a baby, but it’s 2005 and here we are.
Godspeed brothers and sisters, and if you are a futuristic historian searching for source documents about the Fall of America, be sure to tell everybody I was extremely handsome and got laid all the time.

Male Triplets
Reply to: job-94404257@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-30, 5:22PM EDT

I am looking for male triplets that can look like business men. I need all three men to wear the same dark business suit, have short dark brown or black hair, height should be 5′8 or taller and of medium build. I will consider twins if I can cast a similar looking third male.

Photo shoot is for stock photography.
Plan to shoot week/end of September 20th.

Subject: Male triplets
To: job-94404257@craigslist.org
Hi I’m one guy with Photoshop. Please let me know.
Scott

Subject: RE: Male Triplets
To: sserilla@hotmail.com
Can you send me a photo?
If your not a triplet or a twin you may look similar to a couple potentials.

Thank you for the inquiry…and honesty!
Angela

Subject: RE:RE: Male Triplets
To: job-94404257@craigslist.org
Look, here’s the deal, let’s say you were gonna pay triplets two hundred a piece for a photo shoot. Instead of six hundred dollars why not just pay four hundred even, two hundred for me, two hundred for Photoshop. Plus I’m better looking than three guys put together.
When do you need me?
Scott

Subject: RE:RE:RE Male triplets
To:sserilla@hotmail.com
I still have to see a photo?
Ang

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: Male triplets
Umm I’m not sure i feel comfortable doing that. If I send you photos of myself, what’s to stop you from going to some other guy who just has photoshop and slapping my beautiful face on top of a suit and replicate me three times? I don’t mean to suggest you’re dishonest, but as an experienced craigslist model, I know you can’t be too careful.
I propose one of two things. One i have a friend whose wife works at Ford Modeling in New York, contact her or their legal team and we’ll go from there. Two send me a deposit of two hundred dollars directly by a check made out to cash or a money order, half of which will be refunded if you decide not to use me and my computer program (I’m looking at a photo of myself right now and I don’t think that’s gonna be an issue! and in that case you will then just send me the second two hundred).
would you like my PO box number?

Scott

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: Male triplets
To: sserilla@hotmail.com

I need three men that resemble each other in appearance. I did not ask for ‘identical’ triplets or ‘identical’ twins. Therefore Photoshop would do me no good.
You’ve obviously had a negative experience in the past (or more) before. My father is an attorney and my brother a police officer so I understand where you’re coming from.
I wish you the best.

Ang

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: Male triplets
To: job-94404257@craigslist.org

OK let’s take a step back and take a breath.
You’re an artist, I fully respect that because I’m one too, I’m not just an amazingly beautiful man, an unreasonably gorgeous piece of scenery. You are worried that by using Photoshop people will assume you cheated, that it will look like a doctored photo. With all due respect I am also a gifted actor and Photoshop is an exceptionally good image-editing program. With the proper lighting and my stellar character work I’ll be able to create rich back-stories for each “brother.”
They say the camera doesn’t lie, which it won’t have to because in the moment I WILL be quiet, reflective Tommy, brash ladies-man Steve and Peter, true of heart, but with a dark secret (he could also part his hair on the other side).
We’ll just be bringing together the Andersons back together in a digital reunion for the first time since their mother’s funeral to sell … wait was the ad for again?
It doesn’t matter because whatever the photos are for I can research and prepare variations of the human spirit that will dazzle your audience. Plus with Photoshop I can deepen those characters by adding eye-patches or scars, whatever!
I’m going to go a head and book a flight up to Traverse City, so I can get a feel for the lay of the land, start getting a sense of what life might be like for local good-looking triplets growing up in the rustic setting.

Scott