Looking to cash in those gift cards? Perhaps you need a LASER COMB!!!! A hair-loss treatment that harnesses the natural power of lasers to scares you hair into growing back for only $545.00.

Here’s how it pretends like it’s telling you how it works:

“The HairMax LaserComb delivers the energizing and nourishing effects of Laser PhotoThereapy to make hair look healthy and vibrant. Light is energy. Living cells thrive in light and your hair is no different. The end result is that the appearance of your hair will improve and you will feel good about your hair again.”

Here’s some professional marketing taglines I’m offering free to the people who make the laser comb. Fell free to add your own on the backblog.

LASER COMB — From the people who should have been curing AIDS.
LASER COMB — Splitting hairs … at the speed of LASERS!
Unruly Hair? Learn it some mutherfuckin’ manners with LASER COMB.
LASER COMB (Not For Use With ATOMIC TOOTHBRUSH)
LASER COMB! Your hairy balls won’t know what hit em.
If you love the vibrating MACH3 razor, then hold on for the LASER COMB.
Hey do you like pointless shit?
LASER COMB: ‘Cause CellPhone tumors don’t grow fast enough.