Comment by J-Ho

February 27, 2006 @ 5:21 pm

Shine on, you crazy Scientologists.

It’s really too bad that Katie Holmes, the most adorable girl of her generation, has been corrupted by this stuff.

I guess all we can do is pray for them. Or maybe just ignore them and hope they go away. Yeah, let’s do that instead. I’m not the praying type anyway.

Comment by J-Ho

February 28, 2006 @ 3:49 am

The more I read about Scientology, the more I like it. I mean, the ancient religions (let’s take Christianity, for example, because I know that one best) just aren’t that creative in their history. Sure it’s cool to talk about how Jesus died on a cross to redeem mankind and rose from the dead, but that’s pretty tame/lame in comparison to Scientology. Here, we’ve got a GALACTIC OVERLORD named XENU, 13.5 trillion HUMAN POPSICLES, VOLCANOES, HYDROGEN BOMBS, and - my favorite - 36-day-long PROPAGANDA FILMS that Xenu made the Thetans watch “A Clockwork Orange”-style. Plus it has all those OT levels, which make it kind of like Super Mario Bros. in that you can get power-ups,only there are 8 (or 15?) of them in Scientology as opposed to just Super Mushrooms, Fire Flowers, and Starman Stars in Mario (I will not count the various suits that can be acquired in SM3, since those are costumes rather than DNA-altering power-ups). Even though I’m much fonder of SM3 than the first two games in the series, for the sake of this analogy, please consider only the first incarnation.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Scientology is fucking HILARIOUS. I’m thinking of starting a religion called Xenuism, dedicated to the Galactic Overlord Xenu (Scientology:Xenuism :: Christianity:Satanism), and we’ll try to bust Xenu out of his mountain prison cell. Yeah, that’d be sweet.

Comment by Scott

February 28, 2006 @ 9:59 am

Whoa Whoa Whoa! 13.5 trillion HUMAN popsicles? Jeez Joel, you wonder why they don’t reveal these truths to anyone below OT III. Xenu took the frozen bodies of different ALIEN races and threw them into the Earth’s Volcanoes. This is 75 million years ago and everybody knows there were no human 75 million years ago! This is way the press is always on our cases, man. Get your facts straight. YOUR GLIB!

Comment by Sophie T. Mishap

February 28, 2006 @ 11:25 am

Ha…I’m reporting you both to Tom Cruise.

Comment by A.

February 28, 2006 @ 12:34 pm

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and I too grieve for Beck, but it’s tough to give much of a crap about anybody who is a scientologist on purpose.

We’ll just have to separate man from art, like we do with Jew-hating T.S. Eliot and dame-slapping Frank Sinatra. Oh, and Mel Gibson.

Comment by J-Ho

February 28, 2006 @ 7:06 pm

Frank Sinatra never slapped a dame who didn’t deserve it. Besides, he always gave them ample warning: “You cut the crap or else it’s ring-a-ding-ding with you!”