Goddamn Hippies.

Fucking Best Buy Rockers. (Or wait — never mind. A record doesn’t sound better or worse because of where you bought it. My first copy of “Slanted and Enchanted” was bought for $9 at Circuit City and it still ruined my ears/changed my life. My brother was saying just this weekend how he doesn’t miss going into hip record shops at all because Amazon.com never looks down its nose at him and judges him based on his jeans. I still feel guilty I guess that I don’t buy more actually CDs from cool retailers in my neighborhood and well because I don’t buy more actual CDs ((Have you heard “At War With the Mystics”? It’s pretty great)). Modern economic morals are getting tricky — it’s hard not to feel like a phony suburbanite when you go to the Borders at the end of your street instead of the tiny mom and pop place another block away.)

Mutherfuckin’ Polar-Bear-Hatin’ City Council. (For those of you who don’t know, the Detroit Zoo is not in the city proper, but in the ‘burbs, so there is a whole weird level of racial politics added into the power struggle for whether the bankrupt Detroit City Council will close the zoo or hand it over to any number of groups willing and able to keep it open ((ie honkeys).)

Dear B.C. Reader,

It’s around 6 a.m. here at the Outpost. I’ve been up all night pondering life, etc., and I’ve realized that I really need to quit smoking. It’s gone on for much too long, and I need your help. You see, this will be my fifth attempt at giving up the beloved habit that has been with me for the better part of four years. My previous attempts have failed miserably. Why? Because I didn’t seek the support of my friends, family, and my loyal Internet fans (hi, guys!) who all care deeply for me. So please, offer up a prayer or maybe sacrifice your first-born, or just give me a pack of gum if you see me around, and for Chrissakes Adam, stop letting me smoke in your apartment. Together, we can get through this ordeal.

Sincerely yours,

J-Ho

Allow us to pretend we’re cool by casual association for a minute and mention that J-Ho’s roommate-in-law/Former Michigan Daily Arts Idol/Upright Citizen Improviser/Nice Guy Chris Kula is one of the comedy minds behind Time-Warner’s new humor site Officepirates.com which is launching later this week. Kula’s involvement is more than enough of a seal approval for us and better be for you. As always read his great blog at chriskula.com and see him perform every Saturday night under a grocery store off 8 Ave. at the UCB with Reuben Williams. {JOEL INSERT PHOTOSHOPPED PIRATE PIC OF CHRIS HERE}.

A list of stupid things that Domino’s Pizza founder and right-wing Catholic nut Tom Monaghan has done over the years:

1. Founded Domino’s Pizza.

2. Bought the Detroit Tigers and fired Ernie Harwell.

3. Stopped construction of his giant-ass mansion when he had a religious awakening. (A real Catholic would have completed the house and then turned it into the world’s most ostentatious orphanage for babies that would have otherwise been aborted.)

4. Founded a right-wing Catholic law school in Ann Arbor then hired Robert Bork as a lecturer.

5. Tried to build a giant-ass crucifix near the highway outside Ann Arbor. (I would’ve knocked it over with my car if it had been built.)

6. This.

This is a little late, but I had to post it anyway. DC’s genius continues to astound me. Is this guy’s TV show seriously being cancelled? And Carson Daly gets to keep his show? David should have dozens of TV shows. He should be on every TV show. Does justice exist in this cruel world?

&
Breaking news out of Motown: Darko Milicic is apparently on his way to the Orlando Magic. After two-plus years of riding the Pistons’ bench, the Human Victory Cigar should see some actual playing time in Orlando, and we here at Barber College couldn’t be happier for the Seven-Foot Serbian Sasquatch (alliteration like a muhfukka - all night long). The fresh start and balmy climate will undoubtedly do him some good. Best wishes, big guy. We’re pulling for you. Give a shout out to Mickey for us.

That deafening rush you hear is a million nerds spludging in their pants.

Be sure to check out Danica McKellar’s official web site if you’re interested in getting math tutoring from her..

Hmm, turns out that kid who went on a rampage at the Gay club in Massachusetts was a giant ICP fan. I knew a few juggalos in my d-town days, can’t say I ever remember them taking a hatchet to anyone, but I do remember some of those lyrics being pretty fucked up. “What do you do with a drunken hillbilly?/Cut his fucking eyes out” sticks in my head for some reason. In no way do I think Shaggy 2 Dope or the other one are responsible for one sick kid. Still that’s a weird little cult the clowns have going there and when the last Joker Card ended up being about God, well that and the Faygo — nevermind, not worth even making a joke.

To cleanse your pallete, try reading Malcolm Gladwell’s really cool article on Power Law and homelessness. I know it’s dumb to say at this point, but that frizzy bastard is kinda smart. I missed my bus stop on Friday because of this.

My girlfriend refuses to let me call her my fiancée or refer to me as hers. She hates the very sound of the word. My friend David suggested that instead of calling her my future wife I refer to her as “Wife of the Future!” at all times.

I’m pretty happy that she keeps giving me reasons to be excited about getting married to her. Exhibit A – an email from this morning:

“RE: special Olympics of nuptials…

i was hunting for a picture of something and came across this. at first i thought it was some type of service for marrying the mentally challenged. then i realized it was just british people.”

happy early VD, suckers.