Look, I’m not Irish, so I’m not really sure what St. Patrick’s Day is all about. I think it has something to do with drowning snakes or some shit like that. Let me also tell you that I’m not a big fan of holidays in general, especially ones that are used almost exclusively as excuses for Americans to get drunk. So maybe this year instead of reinforcing negative stereotypes, how about we be more constructive? So yes, I’m asking you to abstain from drinking alcohol tonight. Instead, try something from this list of Irish-y stuff that I’ve prepared for you:

1) Fight the Irish Potato Famine by sponsoring one of those Sally Struthers kids in Africa (I know they’re not Irish, and I know the Potato Famine happened 150 years ago, but close enough).

2) Watch Leprechaun in the Hood, starring Warwick Davis, Ice-T, and Coolio.

3) Hold a fake U2 concert on your roof.

4) Read Finnegan’s Wake and explain to me what the fuck it’s about.

5) Record a sack for the University of Notre Dame’s football team.

6) Turn a Druid on to Catholicism.

7) Debate a friend on Thin Lizzy’s impact on the NWOBHM scene of the early 1980s.

8) Write a letter to Frank McCourt asking him to please stop writing books.

9) Buy me a box of Lucky Charms and separate out all the nasty toasted oat thingies. You can have those, but I get the marshmallows.

10) Kill an Englishman.