&With the feud looming this weekend, I called in a favor from my old fake friend Foxy Jess from Gawker.com to see what the word was on the mysterious Ms. Mishap. Little is known about her, but that might be just cause we don’t actually read her site. Here are a few details from the dossier we scraped together about her early childhood:

1946: Nuremberg: There is suspiciously no record of Stephanie standing trial for war crimes. It seems to us if she hadn’t been responsible for heinous atrocities then the international court would have gone ahead and cleared her. Their silence speaks volumes.

The late 1970s: Stephanie is born, presumably in Texas. Why didn’t she wait until the following decade like Joel and Scott did? Was it to score dope?

1981: Inspired by the radical teachings of the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, the two-year-old Mishap baby kidnaps students from Texas A&M and holds them hostage for several desperate hours.

1984: First day of school. Stephie coldcocks a nun who asks her to put out her cigarette.

1985: Stephanie strangles a cousin with the cord of an Atari controller when he points out “ET” is a really terrible game.

1986: Unsure if they really want to record it, Berlin presents an early demo of “Take My Breath Away” to little Stephie and asks her what she thinks. She says it’s great and that they should rush right to the studio to record it. Thousands die as a result.

1987: Disappointed that “Superfudge” contained no actual fudge, Stephanie grabs Judy Blume by the hair at a book signing and forces the author to lick every page. She then coldcocks a nun.

1988: Stephanie engineers the trade of Wayne Gretzky from the Edmonton Oilers to the LA Kings. No so much an evil thing to do, but dicks all over America who knew shit about hockey start wearing Kings jerseys and that really pissed me off.

1989: Because she hates baby seals, Steph runs away to Alaska and liquors up the captain of the Exxon Valdez. Authorities find her on the oil-covered beaches kicking greasy animals and screaming, “Who’s cute now? Who’s cute now?”

1990: Jim Henson dies. Young Stephanie refuses to cry. Allegedly, she hitchhikes to New York City to spit on his still-warm corpse.

To be continued…