Dear Christians,

Please return the following to us rational people: logic, science, math, America, the hearts and minds of innocent children, and the media. You cannot be trusted with them any longer. Once all of these items have been returned, we will release the Baby Jesus and the Easter Bunny from captivity. Thank you for your time.

Love,

Us

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And to think I once looked up to you, Mike. For shame. From now on, Ben is my favorite Seaver.

(Note to BC readers: For god’s sake don’t watch all the Kirk videos, or even one entire video. A few minutes of any of them will suffice. I highly recommend this one. A few minutes in, Kirk’s buddy explains how the shape of the banana proves God’s existence. Interesting theory. My theory is that the shape of the banana proves that these two just wanna suck some dick. It’s OK guys; come on out … My hero Bertrand Russell could have refuted everything these fools say just by farting.)