Many bad things have happened on this date: Hitler was born, a school was shot up by two sociopaths, goddamn hippies got/get high and Wisconsin was founded.

But one very good thing that happened: Our good college friend and ever-increasingly-better-writer-than-us Aubrey of Apophasis Now was born. Happy Birthday to the great grammarian, Leftist curmudgeon who took pointing and laughing at others to untold artistic heights. Well-wishers are encouraged to leave wine coolers on random street corners of Chicago’s Northside. She’ll find them all sooner or later.

Stupid rich people and their fancy exterminators.

I just found out that I only need to charge another $78,500 to my credit card and I get a free trip to Africa!

Is the U.S. Navy pro-pirate?

These drinks sound alright, but I think I’ll stick to my warm PBR served in a combat boot with a broken Casio watch floating in it.

My mom just called. My pet monster finally had to be put down. I’m heartbroken. Miss you, boy

We sure’s hell ain’t go’ stan’ fer this! We gots a couple shotgun burrels that’s like-ta talks to you fellers. We still got ‘nother few good feudin’ years in us, so y’all best take y’all bidness eltswurr.

Everytime you eat sushi you fund a really crazy cult. Look for the quote where the Cult leader said Jesus told him to save mankind through sushi.

My friend knows the girl who pulled together this story for the Tribune and he was telling me about it on Monday except he was saying in was the Unitarian Church, not the Unification Church. The worst thing was I was willing to believe him for a while, mainly because I know Unitarians get to take off the summer from church and I assumed they were new-agey enough to control 80% of the sushi market. The unification church is mass wedding one right?

I know these are dark and difficult days, but can we all get together right here and agree whatever else happens we won’t allow ventriloquism to make a come back?

Life imitates Bob and David.