My co-worker Ohn and I have been trying to cut back on the Internet and email. We’ve had mixed results at best, but today Ohn finally did a news-crawl at like five o’clock and it blew his mind how much he missed in four hours: Invisibility cloaks and this. It was like traveling into the future or being Rip Van Winkle or something. Trying to catch up, he just yelled from his desk, “Wait, what does this fourth dimension do for us?”;br />
For some reason to me that is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

So the National Review decided to sneak through the Rock ’n’ Roll canon and parse out the top 50 conservative anthems.

It’s a bizarre exercise to be sure, seemingly dismissible as the same lame co-opting of rock that’s been around forever, but maybe it’s more complicated than that. Certain lefties have no problem assuming rock is often our side, because artists in general are traditionally liberal progressives. Notable conservative rockers like Ted Nugget and Gene Simmons (neither of which made this list?) disavow being serious artistic songwriters. Also they pretty much suck. Eric Clapton, known for his occasional racist anti-emigrant rants, isn’t on here. Quasi-conservative working dudes like Skynard, Metallica and Kid Rock probably don’t mind. Rush (they love Ayn Rand) and Sammy Hagar might be indifferent. There is actual skinhead rock and Christian rock, but that’s not what this list about; it’s about what conservatives think of themselves.

But the list goes out of its way to claim artists who it knows are public liberals, who spent their time and money fighting conservative causes. They seem too obvious to point out.

It’s wrong to take a piece of art and try to bend it to your political cause, right? Even if the art in question was recorded by Blink-182? I take for granted that my music lines up with my value system, the former having helped shaped the latter, but this reminded me of two things:

1. - I went to the Springsteen Vote For Change show in 2004 and most of his fans seemed barely tolerant of the suggestion the evening was about anything other than the Boss. I just heard friends of friends recently complaining about attending the DMB VFC show and having to sit through the preaching, implying that rockers shouldn’t push their views on their fans and should shut up and rock (even at a political fund raiser?).

2. -I knew one kid in college who was supposed both a serious indie fan and a serious conservative. He loved all the same bands I did, but he wrote for the right wing student paper that literally attacked my friends. Conversations with him hurt my head. I couldn’t figure out how he could put it together in his head. How did he sleep?

People hear what they want to hear, the same way they read whatever they want into books and paintings (see the Bible and the collected works of your famous author who is often misread by jerks who just don’t get him/her). Liberals do this more anybody, so maybe we shouldn’t when the other side does it back at us. Rock and roll is old and the Stay-Off-My-Lawn/Everything-Was-Better-In-The-Past attitude of so many young rockers would warm the cockles of Goldwater’s black crusty heart.

Plus if they want the Eagles, they can fucking have them.

Thanks for ruining one of my favorite songs.

‘Stones in 6.

My eyes just exploded. Jon Voight and a very indifferent-sounding Chevy Chase star in “Karate Dog.” This came out in Germany two years ago but makes it US debut tonight on ABC Family.

Ok Chevy hates life so we can understand his involvement, but Jon Voight? And Jamie Presley? Weren’t you leeching off Kid Rock then? At least we know what killed Pat Morita.

Read this glowing must-be-German-syntax review from IMDB for those of you who thought you were watching the Pistons tonight:

“May I just say what enjoyment was had during this dog/comedy/action extravaganza. The film truly hit the right buttons in my head. The funniest part with the dog was when the dog fell into a man trap… but lived! I found the greatest laughs to be when chevy chase spoke in voice. Too many films now have thought and meaning, but the real meaning here was from karate dog! Too many dogs can’t speak in film but this film had real incite into the head of a dog that fight like miagimu. Can I just say how laughs and fun explode from that dog. The combination of laugh and drama was too suspensely for my head at times!

I await more adventure of the fight dog, for the laugh and fun truly captured the spirit of talk dog.”

Bill Mutherfuckin’ Bonds. The greatest newsman ever? You decide.

1. I learned that the Pistons, thankfully, were just playing possum. And that Tayshaun Prince cares about the community.
2. I learned that da Vinci was a bastard (his parents: not married).
3. I learned that you can use a vacuum as a reverse hair blower when you are too cheap to buy a hair blower.
4. I learned if you have two and half hours to kill then you have time to make some ribs, baby.
5. I learned that Wife of Future! is loaded. Holy crap, best bride to be ever.
6. I learned Todd Barry loves kids.
7. I learned the drummer from the Mintuemen, George Hurley, had really effed up hair.

1. I learned, because Vh1 was showing “Back to the Future,” possibly to celebrate American/Libyan relations being normalized this week, that at the age of five I was a fucking moron. I thought cocaine-powered time machines, VW-driving terrorists and Marty inventing rock ‘n’ roll with lip-syncing & finger-tap guitar solos were all so awesome. I stand corrected.
2. I learned hipster craft shows are only slighty less sad that their red state counterparts.
3. I learned the Pistons are trying to give me a mutherfucking heart attack.
4. I learned where to get an Avocado Milkshake when in Chinatown.
5. I learned to always double-check to see if the jeans are on sale, cause sometimes they are trying to trick you.
6. I learned that if you claim you won a blog feud and then stop posting for two weeks, you in fact lost said blog feud.

James won’t quit being entertaining. He is working so hard.