Moops
Magician and all-around punk-ass bitch David Blaine failed to set the record for holding one’s breath underwater Monday night. Dude gave up after 7 minutes, 8 seconds, well short of the record of 8 minutes, 58 seconds. I didn’t watch the ABC special, but I’m sure it was captivating watching a guy float in a jar for two hours and then try to hold his breath for 9 minutes. Anyway, congratulations on your spectacular failure, David! I hope you and your prune penis recover nicely.
What happened to the baby-faced kid who did awesome card tricks and street-level illusions? He was so much cooler than the guy who gets buried alive for a week, stands on a pillar for a couple days, freezes himself in a block of ice, and starves himself in a plastic box over the Thames for 44 days. Europe hates you already, and we’re not far behind.
David, you better make something disappear or learn how to fly (not that fake levitation shit, but actual flight) by flapping your arms or something, because we’re all getting sick of watching you dick around and starve yourself in various containers. I know it takes discipline and intestinal fortitude, but so does competitive eating, and I don’t wanna watch that, either. So get your shit together, lest we have to get someone to punch you in the stomach, if you know what I mean.