Sup ya’ll-i’ve decided to write this week’s episode in myspace-ese!!!!!! For ya’ll who dont know myspace-ese is a hybrid of english and dumbfuckery……. It’s highlights include bad grammer, shitty spelling,random punctuation , ugly shorthand and a general lack of coherence. Its 1 thing if your gonna be lazy and like eliminate capitol letters and punctaution and use shit like “u” instead of “you” and pepper yer conversations with “jk” and “lol” if your AIM-ing, but if your gonna put somethin out their for the whole world to see, get your goddamn shit strait.

Ouch! That really hurts. As someone who generally - not anally - prides himself on impeccable spelling, grammar, etc., I simply cannot do that for more than a few sentences. Fuck that shit. (Game: Find and correct all the mistakes in the above paragraph and I’ll give you a prize. Please place your entries in the comments section.)

But shit, y’all! We ain’t here to talk language! We here for the hotties! Rather than picking on a rotund, ugly (do people still say fugly?) nerd who has about as much hope for accomplishing something cool in life as I have for getting into Heaven, I thought I’d take a different approach this time ’round. Let me present to you the Person Who Represents All That Is Awful About America in the Year 2006 (PWRATIAAAITY2k6). It was a pretty cursory search. Considering there are a bajillion PsWRATIAAAITY2k6 on MySpace, I could’ve written this episode about damn near anyone. But I mainly selected this particular individual because her profile is relatively more extensive, which, in turn, provides me with a shitload of fodder. I plan on dissecting every last motherfucking thing about this person that makes me cringe. This could take some time, so bear with me, darlings. It’ll be worth your while.

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Meet Katie. She’s 19, and she lives in Houston, Texas (strike one). The first thing you’ll notice about Katie is that she’s pretty, but not necessarily that attractive. She’s one of those dime-a-dozen white girls who have insipid personalities and get by on being moderately hawt. Just look at that picture. I know this girl. I’ve met her before. I saw about 37 of her last night when I was out with my friend. Maybe not her, but her. She’s one of those people who co-opt aspects of other people’s personalities and cultures because they can’t figure shit out for themselves. She’s what my old film theory professor would call a simulacrum, a superficial semblance of a real person.

What stuck out for me on Katie’s profile is that fucking Goo Goo Doll’s song, “Iris”. That song’s not only awful, it’s anti-good. It hates good. It loathes good. Everyone who has an unironic attachment to that song deserves to be loaded onto a rocket ship piloted by Johnny Rzezezezeznik and fired toward the planet Shit.

Let’s get down to Katie’s “About me” section. She provides a list of about five dozen brief statements, and to some of which I will now reply. But before I go on, let me say that I’ll be faithful in transcribing her shit-ass excuses for sentences, so all the messed up junk is sic. I just don’t feel like sticking a [sic] after every goddamn word, so this preemptive [sic] will suffice. Now let’s do this:

“i dont care what you think of me” — Then you won’t mind me mocking the fuck out of you on this here blog.

“people tend to underestimate me” — For some reason I think I’m estimating you perfectly, but if you’d like to submit a rebuttal, drop one in the comments.

“music = L0VE” — What about 2 Live Crew? If I understand them correctly, they’re all about fucking, not love.

“i believe in karma” — You mean like f’real karma or just the empty westernized version? Enough of the appropriation, dear.

“naps are pretty much amazing” — If we held a contest to determine the dumbest possible sentence in the English language, yours would place 28th, and considering there are infinitely many possible sentences, that’s a splendid accomplishment.

“being an individual is important: i hate fake people” — What are you, the fucking cliche monster?

“speeding is the reason i drive” — I guess you’re like some bad-ass female version of Steve McQueen for the 21st century. Fuck tha police, right, honey?

“i L0VE to have fun” — Remember that contest I mentioned a little while back? This would place second, right behind “I love to have a good time.” What the hell does this even mean? Are there people out there who love to have a bad time?

“dancing is love” — Nuh-unh. You said music is love. No take-backs.

“pacients is a vertu that i dont have” — …

“i want to write a book someday” — Learn how to write a single goddamn sentence first and then maybe we’ll talk.

“id rather you not say something then break your word” — Let me get this straight: You want me to break my word, but only after I’ve already not said something?

“spelling is not a strong point for me” — Thanks for stealing all my thunder, bitch.

“sarcasim is my second language” — And your first language is what exactly?

“so theres some useless info about me: if you wanna know anything more just ask” — OK. Where did you go to school, and why haven’t all your teachers been fired for gross incompetence? Do you get a lot of headaches?

“who are you to judge the life i live? i know im not perfect-and i dont live to be. but before you start pointing fingers…make sure your hands are clean” — Who am I? I’m J-Ho! Judging people like you is what I do! As for my hands, they’re cleaner than the Pope’s pussy, so I’ll do all the pointing I want, thank you very much.

Them’s the highlights of her profile. If you have a little more time to kill, check out this list of quotations Katie lists in her MySpace blog. Never has someone used so many words to say so little.

Whew! I worked up quite a sweat writing all that, but it was worth it. Construction by destruction: That’s what this series is all about.

Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Trying To Gentrify This Neighborhood

This is my neighborhood, except that guy is winning instead of losing.

RIP Maynard Ferguson who performed the Theme for “Rocky.”

So flash back to 2001, a lonely kid flounders in his dorm room with no friends and a widening disillusionment with politics/the future of humanity. By some weird chance he stumbles on a tv show that he likes a lot that’s funny and has music he likes, but it quickly get cancelled. He is sad, but not forever and now he looks back at being sad and it seems beautifully silly. And in a state far away, a nice, simple woman dies of old age in her sleep and he is actually sad, but is an oddly comforted way. He thinks of the woman’s small town in the mountains down South and people he never got to know and the Carter Family and no more depression.

Astronomers have determined that Pluto is no longer a planet, thus ending decades of controversy over whether the diminutive celestial thingie (what are we supposed to call it now?) should be classified as a planet or just a ball of random space junk hanging out in the solar system’s nether regions.

This news means that millions of textbooks, various other learning materials, and Discovery Channel documentaries must be amended to reflect the change. I’ve been saying it for years, but no one will listen: It’s time to blow Pluto up. Pluto has been an embarrassment to the eight legitimate planets for far too long, and simply reclassifying it doesn’t go far enough in rectifying the situation. Besides, it’s been years since we nuked something. Just think of how intimidated the terrorists will be when they see us blow up a former planet. They’ll immediately fall to their knees and give their lives over to Jesus. God bless America.

I got a two-for-one deal for you this week! Two hotties, one episode!

Meet Ken and Amber, a lovely couple from my hometown of the G-Urr. Ken, 28, and Amber, 18, are engaged to be married! They’re the kind of people who leave cutesy little love messages on each other’s comments section. Really adorable. Check out this one from Ken (all the silly crap is sic): “My email says you left me a comment, but it’s gone now. That’s sad. :( Oh well, I’ll survive I guess. I’m leaving in a couple minutes to come pick you up. I love you! :) <3 <3 <3"

So what’s there to know about Ken and Amber? Well, for one, they have really big heads. Really big. Using the latest in photo analysis technology, I’ve determined that Ken’s head is 37 gallons in volume and weighs 28 lbs. 6 oz., and Amber’s head is 29 gallons in volume and weighs 19 lbs. 4 oz. Also, Ken’s goatee covers an area of 3.7 square feet. I’ve also determined that Ken is a flaming racist. Under his interests, he writes this about his taste in music: “Country music mostly, though I’ll give anything but rap a chance. I really dislike rap.” Only Whitey McWhitersteins like Ken would dismiss an entire genre of music like that, and I can only assume it’s because the rap world is populated by a large proportion of African Americans.

Ken’s also into gaming. For those of you who aren’t in the know, there’s a huge difference between playing video games and gaming. Playing video games is cool. Gaming is not. People like me play video games. People like Ken game. The word game should only be used as a noun and, on certain rare occasions, an adjective. Although a thorough definition does include some archaic verb forms, they should never be used. As for Ken’s application of the modern verb form… Hah! Sure-fire sign of a dork.

That’s bad enough, but Ken elaborates on his gaming tendencies. He informs us that he’s a fan of massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPGs). On a scale of 1 to megawiener, playing MMORPGs places you at an 11. Our boy Ken loves the Asheron’s Call, the Star Wars: Galaxies, the Shadowbane, the World of Warcraft, the Greymane, and the Aloria. Jesus, Ken, how do you make time for Amber with all that going on?

Okay, that’s enough about Ken. Let’s take a look at Amber now. It’s hard to be sure, but it doesn’t appear that Amber is nearly the dork that Ken is. Her profile is actually pretty goddamn boring. She likes swimming, dancing, music, romance, whatever, etc. The only real blemish is that she’s into “Christian Hard Rock,” which I addressed last week. All I really have to say about Amber is that she has a big head.

Whatever. Good luck, you sexy couple. Take good care of your future giant-domed children.

A judge recently ordered that all the shit found in the Unabomber’s Montana shack will be put up for auction. Most of the items are crap, but there are a few choice pieces: a hatchet, some knives, and his trademark hoodies. But our favorite item is #10 under the “Personal Belongings” section: Samsonite briefcase containing University of Michigan Degrees. None of y’all better bid on that, because it’s all ours.

Guy sends spam. AOL sues and wins. AOL digs for gold in man’s yard.

Watch for Karate Baseball.