Bam, fool! I return in a cloud of smoke!

Where was I? Where the hell were you, man? Get your story together before you start throwing rocks, you glass-house-dwelling jag-off.

Uh that’s right I say, jag-off now. Oh kids, I could say I missed the Internet, but that would be a lie. I wish this fading fad would pass already. I hope your cat took some cute pictures of your newborn or vice versa cause I can’t wait to mosey over to Flicka and view those priceless little turds.

What you have something really original to say about Mel Gibson? Sigh. I really don’t need to watch your mash-up of “braveheart” and the stay out of malibu scene in “big lebowski,” I get it. I’m so sick of doubting whether celebrities have had the babies they claim and predicting BOs, it’s made me weary before my time, kids. If I didn’t need the information superhighway to fetch me the new Hold Steady record and the Venture Brother episodes I missed, I’d happily bring the whole thing down, Jenga style, by pulling this blog out of the tower.

I bought a new computer over the weekend and am depressed to come home to see the same white keyboard I stare all day in front of me. I pretend to write professionally and wonder if I need another hobby. Actually I keep telling myself I’m getting a typewriter. any thing to keep me away from the wiki-black hole. I probably wait to I lose my hair and can really pull off the smug Luddite prick thing. Oh dang-dabbit and horsefeathers!

I could make promises about how we’re gonna start doing more than posting ifilm movies but that would be a lie. Every week I get an envelope from Nick Denton with a newly minted nickel that demands I keep getting those up and poppa needs his bubble gum, dudes and dudettes (the OkGo treadmill thing is kinda sweet, though).

My older brother maintained for years his friend Sean (Tiz) invented the word “dudette” one day in the Monteith Elementary School lunchroom. I wish my world were small enough that I could still believe that.

Bam! And like that he’s gone.