If Scott gets a weekly series, then I get one, too. Welcome to MySpace Hottie of the Week, where I’ll feature only the hottest and most interesting people from MySpace.com, the most popular social-network/stalker-aider/pedophile-helper thingie on the ‘Net. The purpose of this feature is not to mock or scorn, but to point out the painfully helpless and shed some light on the harsh realities of their situations. Allow me to be your guide as we navigate the millions of corridors of the land we call MySpace.

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Episode 1: Tonya Berry

Highlights: Our first hottie hails from lovely Columbus, Ohio. She’s 34, and she somehow found a man willing to marry her.

“Chances are, I am the weirdest, craziest, wildest Christian you will ever meet. I have a hubby I’ve been married to for almost 15 years, and an adopted son who just turned 20,” she says. Hold up a second! I can buy the getting married at 19 thing, which isn’t all that weird, but if your son just turned 20, that means you adopted him when you were 14! Illegal! For a Christian woman, you lie like a muhfukka.

Moving on… “My favorite bands are the ones that rock and glorify Christ at the same time. Currently I’m stuck on Me Without You, however Christian speed metal like The Crucified, Mortification and Metanoia are my favorite. In the past, I’ve been a youth leader and a DJ at a Christian rock station.” Again with the lies. Everyone knows rock music - especially speed metal - is a tool of Satan. “Christian rock” is an oxymoron.

Buried amongst all the stupid videos and stupid “What kind of ____ are you?” bullshit, we find this out about our hottie:

You’re a sophisticated woman with big city taste.
You have a strong creative force - even if you don’t wear the boldest clothes.
You tend to intimidate people. But the right guy won’t be intimidated by you!

Designer match: Dolce & Gabbana

Signature accessory: Gold framed sunglasses

Bullshit you are! 1) You’re not sophisticated. You’re a bland WASP from the Midwest. 2) You think you’re creative, but you’re not. (More on this in a bit). 3) Professional wrestlers are intimidating. Football players are intimidating. Satan is intimidating. You ain’t intimidating to shit. 4) They don’t sell D&G merch at Kmart.

Now for my favorite parts:

“MacDonalds [sic] or Burger King: Burger King (MacDonalds [sic] supports abortion)”

Fuck that shit. I’ll take some Mickey-D’s Fetus Fries over a Whopper Jr. any day of the week.

“Do you belive [sic] in yourself: Sorta but the Word says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

All Christ has done is make you fat, ugly, and boring. Sorry, dear. Maybe you should give Buddhism a try.

Lastly, check this poem Tonya wrote. I won’t reproduce the entire thing here, but I will highlight the best parts.

“Oh, snap, it’s 4:20″ Maybe she’s not so lame after all. Loves the weed.

“[A]nd my God has plenty / [F]or me as I inhale His presence” Oh. It was a metaphor. Never mind.

“[A]nd He says, ‘No, YOU! YOU are lovely, my darling, my dove! / Come on, be intoxicated with my love!’” No, my dove. You’re far from lovely. And enough with the drug/alcohol metaphors.

“[A]nd today, my fountain / [F]lows like a clear, crystal mountain!” Mountains are neither clear nor made of crystal. Nor do they flow. But they can be intimidating.

Jesus, this girl is giving me a headache. Check out the rest of the hilarity for yourselves. I’m gonna go smoke some God presence.