I got a two-for-one deal for you this week! Two hotties, one episode!

Meet Ken and Amber, a lovely couple from my hometown of the G-Urr. Ken, 28, and Amber, 18, are engaged to be married! They’re the kind of people who leave cutesy little love messages on each other’s comments section. Really adorable. Check out this one from Ken (all the silly crap is sic): “My email says you left me a comment, but it’s gone now. That’s sad. :( Oh well, I’ll survive I guess. I’m leaving in a couple minutes to come pick you up. I love you! :) <3 <3 <3"

So what’s there to know about Ken and Amber? Well, for one, they have really big heads. Really big. Using the latest in photo analysis technology, I’ve determined that Ken’s head is 37 gallons in volume and weighs 28 lbs. 6 oz., and Amber’s head is 29 gallons in volume and weighs 19 lbs. 4 oz. Also, Ken’s goatee covers an area of 3.7 square feet. I’ve also determined that Ken is a flaming racist. Under his interests, he writes this about his taste in music: “Country music mostly, though I’ll give anything but rap a chance. I really dislike rap.” Only Whitey McWhitersteins like Ken would dismiss an entire genre of music like that, and I can only assume it’s because the rap world is populated by a large proportion of African Americans.

Ken’s also into gaming. For those of you who aren’t in the know, there’s a huge difference between playing video games and gaming. Playing video games is cool. Gaming is not. People like me play video games. People like Ken game. The word game should only be used as a noun and, on certain rare occasions, an adjective. Although a thorough definition does include some archaic verb forms, they should never be used. As for Ken’s application of the modern verb form… Hah! Sure-fire sign of a dork.

That’s bad enough, but Ken elaborates on his gaming tendencies. He informs us that he’s a fan of massively multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPGs). On a scale of 1 to megawiener, playing MMORPGs places you at an 11. Our boy Ken loves the Asheron’s Call, the Star Wars: Galaxies, the Shadowbane, the World of Warcraft, the Greymane, and the Aloria. Jesus, Ken, how do you make time for Amber with all that going on?

Okay, that’s enough about Ken. Let’s take a look at Amber now. It’s hard to be sure, but it doesn’t appear that Amber is nearly the dork that Ken is. Her profile is actually pretty goddamn boring. She likes swimming, dancing, music, romance, whatever, etc. The only real blemish is that she’s into “Christian Hard Rock,” which I addressed last week. All I really have to say about Amber is that she has a big head.

Whatever. Good luck, you sexy couple. Take good care of your future giant-domed children.