Astronomers have determined that Pluto is no longer a planet, thus ending decades of controversy over whether the diminutive celestial thingie (what are we supposed to call it now?) should be classified as a planet or just a ball of random space junk hanging out in the solar system’s nether regions.

This news means that millions of textbooks, various other learning materials, and Discovery Channel documentaries must be amended to reflect the change. I’ve been saying it for years, but no one will listen: It’s time to blow Pluto up. Pluto has been an embarrassment to the eight legitimate planets for far too long, and simply reclassifying it doesn’t go far enough in rectifying the situation. Besides, it’s been years since we nuked something. Just think of how intimidated the terrorists will be when they see us blow up a former planet. They’ll immediately fall to their knees and give their lives over to Jesus. God bless America.