Hi, everybody! I’m on time this week! I actually had a couple days off, one of which I spent watching awesomeness unfold on live television. I’ll keep my opening remarks brief this time ’round, mostly because I’m simply dying to get to this week’s hottie.
So without further delay, let me present Jim. He’s 19, and he hails from Youngstown, Ohio, which would be the nastiest city in the country if Gary, Indiana, didn’t exist. The first thing I want you to do is check out Jim’s pictures. You’ll notice that in nearly every picture he’s standing in pretty much the same place in his home and he’s wearing the same expression. Only difference is in some he’s wearing a supposedly awesome hat.
I’m usually not one to say that a certain layperson looks like a certain celebrity, but I can’t help it in this case. I’m almost positive that Jim is Jake Gyllenhaal’s half-brother, only Jim’s mother (no relation to Jake) drank heavily while she was carrying. Either that or he’s a cross between Spike Jonze and a badger. Maybe you, dear readers, have your own theories. As always, feel free to leave responses in the comments.
But let’s leave that up in the air for now and move on to the profile. Again, although I’m a stickler when it comes to my own grammar and spelling, I’m typically willing to ignore the shortcomings of others in that area. Not so with Jim. His grammar and spelling aren’t much more atrocious than those of the average MySpacer, but I bring them up to reinforce my fetal alcohol syndrome theory. You’ll notice in Jimmy’s “About me” section that there isn’t a bit of punctuation. I would settle for misused commas and run-on sentences rather than a complete lack of punctuation. At least give us something to work with, James. It would make it a whole lot easier on the eyes. You’ll also notice that Jim begins almost every “sentence” with “i like…” This reminds me of an assignment my teacher Mrs. Banka gave us back in third grade. We all had to write a book called “My I-Like Book.” The idea was to write a series of poems about things we liked and why we liked them following a template teacher laid out for us. It was pretty fun at the time, if I remember correctly. I can’t recall all the details of the book I wrote, but I’m willing to bet it was better written than Jim’s profile.
Most of the info Jim provides about himself is banal, including his friends’ names and his favorite sports teams. But then he drops this bomb: “my [sic] Favorite [sic] Raper [sic] is Tupac.” Yeah, he said “Raper.” With a capital “R.” This is one of those situations in which not being able to spell can come back to bite you. It’s bad enough that he’s ruining the rep of one of America’s most beloved icons, but he’s also ruining the rep of one of American’s most beloved dead icons. If Tupac were alive today, Jim would be six feet under within 24 hours of that shit going up on MySpace.
While we’re on the subject of rap, let’s talk about what it means when people like Jim are into rap music. Now, I’m a big rap fan - have been for about 7 years. I have a completely unironic attachment to it as a form of art. As a 20-something white boy living in the Midwest, however, I’ll be the first to admit that I have absolutely no connection to hip-hop culture. I’m fine with that. Someone like Jim, on the other hand, while his love of rap is also unironic, nevertheless feels a real connection with the culture. Maybe I’m making too big an assumption here, but I doubt that Jim can relate to any rappers outside of Eminem, whose upbringing in poor white nothingness might just mimic Jim’s. No, Jim is what we would have called a “wegro” back in the day.
Okay, I’ll get off my high horse now. Here’s a list of people Jim would like to meet someday: “Adam Sandler Staci Cole Briana Banks Jessie Jane Sky Lopez Jenna Jameson Howard Stern.” I recognize Adam Sandler as a seriously untalented comedian, Jenna Jameson as a porn star, and Howard Stern as a misunderstood radio personality, but I didn’t know who the other ones were at first. A simple Googling revealed that they’re all porn stars, as well. I know you’re probably a horny 19-year-old boy, Jim, but I don’t think you really want to meet porn stars. Simply be in the room with one for more than five minutes, and chances are you’ll leave with a venereal disease. I’m not criticizing you for being into porn; I’m just trying to save your life. Look at them from the comfort of your room in your mom’s basement, safe in the knowledge that today’s televisions and computer monitors all have built-in VD filters.
The rest of Jim’s profile is unremarkable, but I’ll leave you with one telling line, Jim’s list of favorite books: “i dont read books at all i am not a reader.” Never? You’ve never read a book that you liked? Or even one that you didn’t like that you could list just for show? Charlotte’s Web? The Berenstain Bears and the Spooky Old Tree? Jenna Jameson’s autobiography? None of these?
Today’s lesson: Read books. Or at least lie about having read books.
