Friends, sorry I didn’t get to this week’s hottie until today (Tuesday). However, I’ve slightly altered the date on this post to represent that it was posted on Sunday, so posterity will not know the difference. Unless posterity sees the actual post and reads about how I’ve slightly altered the date. Before I move on, let me remind you that all mistakes appearing in quotes are sic. Twenty-something MySpacers have the spelling and grammar of pre-teen MySpacers, and, once again, I don’t feel like peppering my posts with “sic” just because they’re stupid.

I thought that since I’m a little bit late I’d search long and hard for the hottest hottie who ever hottied up the MySpace universe. So here it is. Meet Danielle. It lives in Oceanside, New York, and it is 28. The proverbial they say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Were it able to speak or write, the picture at right would be saying these words: shim, she-male, huh, are, you, serious, no, really, what, the, fuck, is, that, thing, beast. I don’t know what to call it. I typically don’t make fun of ugly people for being ugly, but look at that thing! Has no one told it that it looks like that? If I knew Danielle, I would pull it aside and level with it: “Dude, what are you?”

I can’t even think straight with that mug staring back at me. Is that even a real person? It has black eyes for Chrissakes! People like Danielle make me think that God is real and He has a wicked sense of humor. Either that or He can be a true prick sometimes. I don’t think there’s any jury in the world that would convict you for… Well, you get the point.

But enough about that. Let’s move on to the profile. If you have to, cover up the picture with your hand so that you can focus. First thing it says: “Energetic, fun loving, crazy kinda girl!” Okay, I guess that solves the mystery. I’m of the opinion that one can decide his or her own gender, and, if Danielle thinks she’s a girl, I’ll call her a girl.

“I love to go out and have fun…” — What have I told you about saying things that don’t mean anything?

“I have a great sense of humor and can put up with pretty much anything thrown my way.” — I’m very happy to hear that. I hope that means you won’t mind me saying you look like a dude.

“I am also a big believer in fate and destiny because what could be sexier if you think about it.” — I can think of at least one thing… the opposite of you!

“Music, movies, bars so that I can cocktail it up…” — Haven’t I also lectured you on taking words that are intended to be used as one part of speech and making them into another? If I haven’t, I should have.

Oooh! Look at this picture I just found! Apparently this is a picture of Danielle and her sister. Danielle’s buddy Jenn writes about this picture, “No one would ever guess that the two of you are sisters lol.” Jenn is correct, but not for the reason she thinks. Now Danielle’s sister isn’t exactly a looker on her own, but standing next to Danielle, she looks like Helen of Fucking Troy - a real goddess of a woman.

The part of Danielle’s page I enjoy the most is the outcome of her “What Famous Pinup Are You?” survey. Apparently, she is Bettie Page: “Girl next door with a wild streak / You’re a famous beauty - with unique look / And the people like you are cultish about it.” Girl next door? I grew up with single dudes living with their mothers on either side of my house, and they looked more feminine than you. Famous beauty? Hah! Unique look? Definitely! Cultish? Maybe. I guess you’d have to be.