A’ight, ev’rybody. I took a week off to regroup, and now I’m back in bidness. I’ll admit that the last episode I wrote wasn’t quite up to snuff, but I swear this week’s will kick some serious fuckin’ ass. This one is so good that I’ll stop writing right now and dive right in. But first, many thanks to Jon for finding this hottie for me.

(This is the obligatory “sic” disclaimer.)

Okay, here he is. Meet $trickly Buizne$$, quite possibly the most ridiculous human being in the history of the universe. Scratch that - probably the most ridiculous grouping of matter and energy in the history of the universe. And that includes Pluto! God broke the mold after he made $B. Scratch that - there couldn’t have possibly been a mold in use. $B is a work of art. He’s so ridiculous that he can’t even incorrectly spell his name correctly. The following would have been acceptable: $trickly Bizne$$, $trickly Buzine$$, and $trickly Bidne$$. By spelling the word as “Buizne$$,” $B immediately loses all of his street cred.

Where do I go from there? Well, just look at this picture (I’ve left the pics full-size to preserve their impact):

$B captions the photo thusly: “we tote dem thangz in da 813.” Da 813, in case you don’t know, is Tampa, Fla. I really don’t know much about guns, but I must admit that pistol thingie is pretty bad-ass (If you know what it’s called, lemme know in the comments (I think it’s a 9 mm, but I dunno what that thing on the barrel is)). But the sniper rifle? What kinda gangsta carries a sniper rifle? I’ve seen both Boyz n the Hood and Menace II Society, and I don’t remember Doughboy or O-Dog carryin’ no sniper rifles. Where do you conceal somethin’ like that when 5-0 rolls up?

Moving on:

Seriously? How many people do you think these guys have killed? Vegas set the over-under at one, and I recommend taking the under.

And then:

The caption? “HOZ DAT BAD AZZ WHITEBOI??” I try so hard not to make fun of poor spelling, and I know $B is trying to ghetto-fy his language, but when you only spell 7.8% of the words you write correctly, you have a problem on your hands. Oh, and why does it look like he has a vagina on his chin?

Jesus, I haven’t even gotten to his “About me” section yet and this is already the longest Hottie in history. Anyway… Well, let’s just reproduce the thing in its entirety right here:

Yah wut up dis be yo boi $trickly Buizne$$ aka Joey. All u’ll need 2 kno iz dat imma hu$$la n i luv money,carz, n women. I enjoy hittin da clubz n wilin’ out wit da homeboiz. It ain no secret dat imma flirtatiouz type a guy. I luv all da girlz but I prefer da blak girlz cuz dey gotz it goin’ on. I gotz 2 shout out 2 all muh ppl reppin’ dat 813 n 727 keep it crunk mufuckaZ! I am a producer/rapper, when eva i geta chance i’m makin new beatz n writin’ wordz to dem. I have been producin’ for a while now, i have recently started to record my muzik. I really gotta luv for producin’/writin’ musik that I neva really knew I had. I will also be goin’ to school for Buizne$$ Administration, I would eventually like to be a financial advisor,sale mortgages,and/or do real estate. So to sum it all up I got big planz for my future n dat iz makin’ $$$ cuz round here itz all $trickly Buizne$$ cuuuuz.<

I’m not about to parse all that shit, but if you’d like to, you’ll win some respect from me. Aside from the unique lexicon, there’s nothing too interesting until you get to the bit about him being a producer/rapper. When I read this, I was all, “Holy shit! It can’t be! It is!” That’s because I scrolled over to the embedded music player and saw that the music featured on his profile was, in fact, his own. Worst. Rapper. Ever. He sounds like Pete Nice, if Pete Nice were mentally retarded and rapped with a heaping spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth. I sure hope that real estate career pans out, because you sure as hell ain’t go’ make it as a rapper, cuuuuz.

I usually skip over my hotties’ responses to that stupid survey thing you’ll find on 80% of MySpace profiles, but I won’t in this case. My favorite responses (with my notes in parentheses):

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Make mo money den u foolz can count (I assure you I can count to 12,000.)

Thoughts First Waking Up: Time 2 get on sum femalez (Question for my female readers: Are you in the mood 2 b gotten on first thing in the morning?)

Your Most Missed Memory: chillin’ wit muh dog josiah bak in da dayz RIP CUUUZ (I’ll assume Josiah was his schoolyard chum in Boca who died of leukemia at a young age.)

Pepsi or Coke: soda not good for yah so i drink krystale (Wonderful health advice. Take it to heart, you rich fatties.)

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: muh grandmaz tea (Now that’s how you be gangsta!)

Do you Sing: nah, i rap (Too easy)

Do you think you are Attractive: hell yah, imma bad azz whiteboi (Even easier)

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: oh yah had 2 cop dem Js (Come again? Do you mean, like, jeans?)

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: i ate sum but notta box (Hellz yah mufucka! I be eatin Oreos all da time but only in moderation!)

Short or Long Hair (on a girl): eitha az long az da chik izza dime (Couldn’t agree more.)

Weight (on a girl): well proportiond 2 fit dey height (Fatties and beanpoles need not apply.)

All I have to add at this point is “WOW.” In the words of one of the greatest gangsters of all time, “English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?”

I realize that $trickly Buizne$$ will probably kill me for writing about him in this fashion, but it was worth it. You’ll all come to my defense, right?

Right?