1. You’re one of the most influential men in America. You’re the leader of a super-megachurch with a congregation of 14,000 people and the National Association of Evangelicals, and President Bush regularly seeks your counsel. You’re at a hotel in Denver, and you’re feeling a little tense. Do you…

a) Pop a few quarters in the Magic Fingers then drift off to sleep?

b) Call your wife and let the familiar voice of a loved one soothe your soul?

c) Visit a luxury spa and have a small European woman who doesn’t speak English give you a relaxing massage?

d) Call a male prostitute and have him give you a massage?

If you selected a, b, or c, congratulations: You’re not an idiot. You may now stop reading.

If you selected d, you may have a few problems with your judgment. Proceed to the next question.

2. You get a massage from the male prostitute (let’s call him Mike). In the middle of it, he tells you about methamphetamine, an illicit stimulant you’ve never heard of because you’re an upstanding man of the cloth. Do you…

a) Gently tell Mike that he should abandon his sinful ways and turn his life over to Jesus then go back to your hotel?

b) Assume Mike is a comedian and laugh it off then go back to your hotel?

c) Realize you’re getting a massage from a male prostitute who’s now offering you drugs, come to your senses, cut your losses, and run back to your hotel before anyone finds out?

d) Buy some of Mike’s meth?

If you selected a, b, or c, congratulations: While you initially showed a lack of judgment, you’ve atoned for it. You may now stop reading.

If you selected d, you might have a serious problem on your hands. Proceed to the next question.

3. So now you’re done with your massage and you’ve got some meth. Do you…

a) Come to your senses, throw the meth away, and hope nothing ever comes of it?

b) Try the meth just once to see what it’s like, never do it again, and hope nothing ever comes of it?

c) Take the meth to the police, admit to them what you’ve done, and tell them where they can find the guy who’s hooking and dealing drugs?

d) Try the meth, realize that it’s awesome, then engage in a three-year homosexual affair with Mike, all the while decrying how homosexuality is evil and lobbying to ban gay marriage in your home state of, say, Colorado?

If you selected a, b, or c, congratulations: You made a few mistakes, but in the end you did the right thing.

If you selected d, well, seriously, dude: What the fuck is wrong with you? You better hope no one finds out. Proceed to the next question.

4. Someone found out. In fact, everyone found out. Mike saw you on TV, realized you were a fucking douche, then went public with his story. Do you…

a) Deny everything and and plead ignorance, explaining that Mike must be a homosexual angry over the gay marriage ban?

b) Resign your leadership positions but deny everything at first, then later admit to the meth and massage parts?

c) Confess Jimmy Swaggart-style and hope everyone forgives you?

d) Have Mike whacked?

If you answered a, b, c, or d, sorry, but you’re in too deep for America to forget about what happened. America just isn’t like that. Proceed to the next question.

5. It doesn’t matter what you do at this point. Do you…

a) Forget your public life, repent, and hope God will still accept you into Heaven?

b) Divorce your wife, move to the East Village, and take up with a sexy twenty-something named Pedro?

c) Run for president?

d) Take your own life in shame and hope like hell that Satan doesn’t rape you with his barbed penis?