Random questions for Mr. Hoard:

What was the last thing you ate?

I had some Spartan brand macaroni & cheese for breakfast this morning. It tasted like $0.33. It was one step above ramen and one step below Campbell’s tomato soup. While we’re on the subject, I think we should discuss how more foods should be dehydrated then rehydrated right before we eat them. See, water has a huge chip on its shoulder. It’s all “I’m the most important thing on the planet! You can’t live without me!” It would put water in its place to only call on it when we need it. Water would be like “Let me be in your dinner!” and we’d be like “Naw, man. We got this shit covered for now. We’ll give you a call when it’s time to eat.”

What can fans expect from your next album?

Lots and lots of drama surrounding its release. I’m planning on signing to Def Jam, getting kicked off for giving Russell Simmons’s daughters weed, signing to Interscope, getting kicked off for stealing Jimmy Iovine’s car and driving it to Puerto Rico (trust me - it can be done) and finally signing to Def Jux, before getting kicked off for calling El-P an Uncle Tom. As for the sound, I would describe it as the Velvet Underground on even more heroin, mixed in a blender with a cougar, flying in a World War I biplane, with a dash of Robert Johnson-influenced jug band on top. It’ll be the loudest, most pretentious record ever made. I’d give it 2-1/2 stars.

If you could banish one phrase from the parlance of our times what would it be?

This is an easy one. No phrase infuriates me more than “I like to have a good time.” Is there some wacky underground network of people bent on having a bad time? You might be tempted to argue that sadists, masochists, and sadomasochists like to have a bad time, but it’s all relative. What’s weird and painful for us is a good time for them. If you ever hear someone say “I like to have a good time,” you can correctly assume that 1) the person is boring and 2) all the person really likes to do is drink and go to shitty nightclubs.

OPTIONAL FOLLOW-UP: Instead you may choose to strike one color or odor from the universe, but you have to decide what to replace it with.

There really aren’t any smells that bother me too much, so I’m going with pants. I would replace pants with flowing, gender-neutral skirts.

What’s your favorite movie cliché?

The Big Game. It’s a metaphor for how we spend all our days preparing for one big event, usually somewhere between two weeks and three months away. Despite all the adversity along the way, we end up winning. No one ever loses. Ever. It’s how life works.

A co-worker of mine just said, “mm this is a really good Foreigner song” when “Cold as Ice” came on the radio — do you believe: a). That’s oxymoronic. b). On the contrary, that song rocks unironically and Lou Gramm is a god. c). On the grand scale of things the inevitable civil war caused by the troop withdrawals the Democrats are currently advocating couldn’t possibly destabilize the region any more worse than our presence has in the first place.

This *might* be a trick question, but I have to go with my gut and pick (b). If you can’t appreciate the rawk, you just ain’t got a soul.

One of your many glamorous Hollywood liaisons approaches you after a recent tryst and announces she is with child. Knowing that the little bastard will be in the public eye and that your next weekend opening numbers depend on this kid being a sensation, what do you choose to name the kid?

Detroit Michigan Hydroponic Stanley Relatively Obsequious Mongoose Hoard XXXIV.

In retrospect what’s your biggest regret? Answers must be limited to scientific discoveries.

So many to choose from… I’m gonna go with that black hole I discovered that’s about 3.01e128 light years away, but only because the contest to name said black hole was open only to children between the ages of five and nine. Personally, I would have called it something like Hawkingpalooza, but Mr. Poopie Pants won.

Why don’t we post more?

Quality over quantity. This blog is more Big Star than Guided by Voices.