Ask a Barber, Volume 1, Issue 1
Dear J-Ho,
I watch too much TV. I never get anything done. Please help me kick this terrible addiction.
Cable Junkie, MO
Dear Junkie,
I suggest cigarettes. Television addiction is no laughing matter, but nicotine addiction sure is. Ugly, overweight people who devour pounds of Mallomars daily are addicted to TV. Think the mother in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.” Cool, hip people smoke cigarettes. Think James Dean and Steve McQueen. Next time you get the urge to pick up that remote and turn on “What Not To Wear,” instead reach for a pack of Natural American Spirits, the world’s finest cigarettes.*
Love,
J-Ho
Dear Joely,
I think my boss wants me dead. We don’t get along at all and he tears all my work apart every chance he gets. What can I do?
Scared Shitless in Saginaw
Dear Triple-S,
I see only one viable solution. Travel to rural Japan for ninja training and silently murder your boss before he gets you. Training may take several years, but it will all pay off in the end when you see your boss’s eyes roll back into his severed head as it spins on his desk. Be forewarned, however. Failure to flawlessly execute this plan will leave you with one out: seppuku.
Love,
J-Ho
Hoard,
I’m having trouble blogging lately. I really want to, but real-life stuff keeps popping up. What can I do to keep from letting my fans down more than I already have?
Broken in Brooklyn
Dear BiB,
Are you suggesting that blogging is somehow separate from real life? I consider that an affront. As they say in your part of the world, go fuck yaself, ya shit-eating bitch. Leave the blogging to the warriors.
Love,
J-Ho
Dear Joel,
I have been wasting my life reading books, but I want to start being cool like you. What websites should I check every three seconds.
M, Boston
Dear M,
Just this one.
Love,
J-Ho
Dear Joel,
I am desperately sexually attracted to your blogging partner, Scott. How can I totally jump his bones or get him to notice me????
Lusty Groupie, CA
Dear Groupie,
Unfortunately, Scott is already married to a very lovely young lass, so you’ll have to bottle up your emotions. I can tell by the abundance of question marks in your letter that your feelings run deep. I suggest finding all the pictures of Scott that you can and plastering them all over your bedroom. Then lie in bed and stare at them night and day while repeating the mantra “He loves me! He loves me!” ad infinitum. This won’t help you get any closer to him, but it will keep you occupied and will allow Scott to lead a normal, stalker-free life.
Love,
J-Ho
* This response sponsored by Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company, makers of fine Natural American Spirit products.