Sup, hobos? Sorry for having been at out at sea for so long. What savage forces have conspired to keep your beloved Barbers from making astronaut-diaper jokes?

Perhaps this handy pie chart will explain what we’ve been doing instead of blogging:
Oh ho ho, that took three hours to make! Shit that would have been a hilarious fifth piece of the pie — 15% pie-chart designing. Damn, how does the Onion do it every week???

Annnnnyways shake yourself out of your post-Paczki Day jelly-filling comas and lend me your ears; I’ve got science to drop.

We’re planning to relaunch the site, but R&D delays have kept its mighty visual splendor and slowcrafted laughableness from you. It’s debatable what will happen at this point. We might adopt a cute orphan child and force him/her to post, we might try psychically posting directly into your minds. It could happen, till then sit tight.

It’s official!

The FOX News hit squad’s gonna have some serious fun with this election. A woman AND a black man who was raised Muslim are running for president.

And to answer John Gibson’s question: Yes, I plan on it.

Was Prince’s Super performance too revealing?

No. The answer is no. Let’s not go through this again, America. A silhouette of a man playing a guitar does not equal porn.