Just found out my real barber has a broken leg and can’t cut my way too shaggy hair. I can only assume they were trying to get to me.

One of my longtime best buds, the gracious host of Barber College, Mr. Adam “Gordo” Clifford, got himself all married-up on Saturday. Now that I’m good and drunk - but home safely - I need some friggin’ sleep.

America’s Favorite Cities, 2007. It’s OK, buddy. Even when you’re just a pile of rubble populated by a couple dozen hobos, we’ll still love you.

Ruff!

Also awesome.

…you think of something really clever and you don’t have anyone nearby to tell it to, and then when you finally get a chance to tell someone you forget what you were going to say or it’s just not as funny so long after the fact? I need to start carrying my dictaphone everywhere I go to capture these moments. Kind of like how I carry a camera around for Bigfoot sightings. Just in case, you know?

PS - Bigfoot is blurry. That’s the problem.

Human Giant need a million web hits in the next 24-hours to save their show. I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit, but why take a chance? Cool people deserve tv shows too.

Tom Cruise is still alive and we should all take a moment to tell him to fuck off while he’s still with us. The BBC is already on it.

I don’t advocate violence in any form, and I would never wish physical harm on anyone. Whatever war is out there, I’m against it. I’m a pretty easygoing and gentle kinda guy, and it takes a lot to get on my bad side. For me to write you off, you must have fucked up somethin’ awful. As a matter of full disclosure, let me say that I’m as capable of intense dislike — I wouldn’t go so far as hate — as any other reasonable person on this planet. Still, whatever a person does, I’d never advocate violence against him or her as a matter of principle. So about the worst you’ll get from me is a spot on my unofficial list of people I’d never kill but wouldn’t be at all upset to learn that they died.

I bet you’d be upset with all that buildup if no one died, but happily (?) one of my least favorite people in the world did. The Rev. Jerry Falwell, him of the-purple-teletubby-is-gay and 9/11-was-caused-by-the-ACLU-and-International-Faggotry fame, is dead at the age of 73. Quoting my friend Eric, “Sadly, he died in his office, not in the company of a male prostitute.” And our colleague A.: “He was just an old man with a bad heart. Pun intended.”

I could go on for pages listing the awful things this douche said when he was alive, but if you follow the news in the slightest you already know enough. My overall beef with him is that he thought he could get away with peddling the vilest filth and hatred, so long as it was wrapped in the name of Jesus, an Italian suit, and a $200 haircut. He was one of those guys who turned me off organized religion for good. Christianity was a beautiful thing before the Christians got hold of it.

The elevators in my office building has lcd screens that flash the weather and the news. This morning I saw this headline:

Sheryl Crow, who split from longtime boyfriend Lance Armstrong last year, has adopted a baby boy.

Now I’m not the world’s leading feminist, by why the hell did the have to put in the part about Lance?

45 year-old Sheryl Crow adopts a baby - without a man!

Rocker Sheryl Crow, who was banging Eric Clapton in the mid ’90s until he remembered he was Eric Fucking Clapton, gets a baby.

Loveless, Aging Crow steals child from birth mother in desperate attempt to pull together shambles of failed life.

Unable to fill her womb with the seed of any successful, famous male and her looks quickly failing, Sheryl Crow buys a baby with cash she made whoring long-lasting hair dye.

I can only assume Sheryl’s mom is writing news headlines.

Now that the plug has been pulled, I’d like to point out that the whole thing would have worked if they had made it a period piece. A live sketch show in either the early ’60 a la “Your Shows of Shows” or late ’80s SNL. The classiness and nostalgia could have leaven Sorkin’s over-wrought seriousness and there wouldn’t have to have been all the embarrassingly uncool current references (Three 6 Mafia? What a stupid douche cameo).