MySpace Hottie of the Week, Episode 10
Sure, I complain about spelling and grammar all the time, but the only ones I hold to any real standard are myself, a few friends, and people who get paid to write. A coworker, who’s also a paid writer with impeccable S&G, recently told me about a story she’d read on how ability to master grammar is partly genetic. It’s not that far-fetched, really. For the most part, grammar is very systematic. Beyond that, memorization plays a role. So it’s reasonable to assume that the abilities to understand systems and memorize information - we can probably agree you’ve either got ‘em or ya don’t - would have an impact on a person’s understanding of grammar.
At the same time, it’s entirely reasonable to set a minimum standard for grammar for a number of reasons. I don’t care all that much if you never master it. Just don’t be lazy. As a matter of full disclosure, let me tell you that when I’m doing the AIM or text thang, I tend to take it easy with my language. (Note to a certain someone: That I do this is not ironic whatsoever. We need to start pointing out when things are not ironic to counteract the ongoing irony problem.) Apostrophes are the first to go, then commas, then end marks, and if I’m feeling really lazy, I’ll abbreviate words. Whatever. That’s all one-on-one communication, and as long as the person I’m talking to understands me, fine. But here’s where the MySpace problem comes in. MySpace is a very public forum. The target audience for most MySpacers is probably just their friends, but that doesn’t change the fact that people at large can access the information they post. Basically what I’m trying to say is, won’t someone think of the children? What kind of message are we sending our kids when we misspell 83% of our words, eliminate punctuation to the point of total chaos, and generally betray our laziness and ineptitude? We’re telling them we’re a bunch of assholes who don’t care about their futures, who don’t care if people can eloquently - even efficiently - communicate. We’re telling them to forget about the written word. We’re telling them to turn to television and movies to raise them and to become stupider and illiterater. (Side note: Television and movies aren’t inherently stupid - they’re goddamn important and entertaining media - but when people sacrifice things like reading and going outside for watchin’ shit on screens, that’s a problem.)
You’re probably saying to yourself right now, “Hey, Joel?”
To which I will reply, “Yeah?”
“I thought this feature is about making fun of people on MySpace.”
“It is.”
“Then why are you lecturing me on grammar instead of making fun of people on MySpace?”
“I’m glad you asked. It’s important to introduce these ideas to place this week’s hottie in the proper context.”
“Oh. I shouldn’t have questioned you.”
“No, it’s cool.”
“Hey, Joel?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re my favorite blogger. Your blogging really turns me on.”
“Thanks.”
On to the business at hand. But first, more introduction: This feature - well, namely the guy who writes it - spends a lot of time questioning the literacy of MySpacers (like punching babies in a barrel, only easier), but this week’s hottie brings up an interesting question: What’s worse, a person who attempts to use the written word and botches it with such astonishing competence that the rest of us couldn’t write so poorly if we tried, or someone who says “fuck it” and just uses a bunch of pictures? It’s a tough one to answer, because they’re both contributing to the breakdown of coherent communication. After all, an A for effort really isn’t worth anything when the product is a complete pile of shit. And you could even argue that using pictures instead of incoherent prose is a more effective method of communication. Still, pictures are for babies.
Whatever, for the sake of moving on, let’s say they’re both equally bad. I only ask, because this week’s hottie loves her some pictures! In fact, she responds to questions and prompts with pictures! Sure, she writes out a few things here and there, and of course I’ll make fun of those, but come on! Pictures?
Meet 19-year-old MOSTHATED, short for MOSTHATED N HTOWN. You might think that’s Arabic, but it’s English, and what it really means is “I think I’m really hot shit, and I’ll bet you’re jealous of me. In fact, I’m going to celebrate your jealousy and take it as a compliment. Also, I live in Houston.” Based on her pictures alone, her hobbies are tilting her head slightly, teasing her hair out, dressing like a whore, and having her picture taken while doing the aforementioned.
Scroll down the left side of MH’s profile to her interests. Someone once said that every picture is worth a thousand words, but in MH’s case, the pictures she uses are worth one or two words tops. Those words are weed, Hennessy, Patrón, Alizé, and… ecstasy tablets. Those are her interests. Some top-shelf liquor and a couple illicit drugs. Something tells me she doesn’t read Faulkner.
Wait! At least she sort of claims to sort of read! Under her favorite books she has a picture of the cover of The Cat in the Hat! Hey, it’s something at least. But as my dear friend and ardent Dr. Seuss fan Aubs said upon learning this: “Normally I support Dr. Seuss, but not in this case. I don’t think this girl earned her Seuss.” I couldn’t have said it any better myself, so I didn’t.
MH also posts a bunch of pictures of Houston, which is in Texas, so I don’t care about it. But there’s a peculiar caption above one of them, which features a bald eagle flying over the city. MH writes, “…..THATS A BIG ASS BIRD HUH..FUKIN TERADACTYL LMAO.” First of all, it’s “pterodactyl.” I mean, hello, haven’t you studied Greek?! Even if your Greek is rusty, you could’ve at least found this on wikipedia: “… from the Greek πτεροδάκτυλος, pterodaktulos, meaning ‘winged finger.’ ” Second, pterodactyls were reptiles, not birds! What are they teaching in our classics and paleontology departments these days?!
Oh, shit! You’re never gonna believe what just happened! I was all set to go through the captions on MH’s pictures of her son. I saw a couple of them last night, in which she referred to the approximately two-year-old boy as “nigga,” “thug,” and “gangsta,” if I remember correctly. But do you know what just happened?! In the few minutes it took me to write the above paragraphs, MH changed her profile to private, which means I can no longer access her pictures! This is so depressing. Hate to cut this short, but I’m out of material. Ah well… the damage is done.
