MySpace Hottie of the Week, Episode 9
Stop, coagulate, and glisten
Joel is back with a brand new edition
‘Bout someone who is rather unsightly
Fuck y’all, I never do shit politely
Will it ever stop? Yeah, I’d guess so
But let’s get to work, cuz I hate to digress so
It’s been more months than I can count on my left hand (but not my right on account of the horrendous case of polydactyly I’m stricken with) since I wrote one of these here pieces. Until I went back through our archives to categorize everything, I had forgotten all about this series. I don’t know how I managed to forget, though, because I always thought of MySpace Hottie of the Week as one of my children. Actually, that makes sense, because I often forget how many actual children I have. But it’s more than two and less than nine, I know that for a fact.
In case you’re unfamiliar with how this works, let me go over the basics: I choose a “random” (read: someone I don’t know at all) person from MySpace, the ugly, evil social networking site owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, and I ruthlessly mock the chosen person based solely on the information and photographs provided on the profile.
All you goody two-shoes out there probably think this is a really mean thing to do, but peep these reasons why it’s not:
1) People who put personal information on sites like MySpace are asking to be judged.
2) Do you think they really care what I think?
3) I’m actually trying to help them by pointing out their shortcomings so that they may overcome them.
4) Facebook is infinitely better than MySpace. MySpace pages look like they were designed by my two-year-old son Jerry (Gerry?), and he has phenylketonuria, thanks to his mother.
5) The Internet was invented for making fun of people you don’t even know.
6) It’s fun!
With that unpleasantness out of the way, let’s get down to business. Today’s subject is Heidi, known to her MySpace friends as FA KIN SU PAH (clever!). Some basic info: She’s 30, tries to look 20, and ends up looking 40, and I’m pretty sure she’s a stripper. She has a son named Brandon, who has a really bad haircut (as barbers, we tend to notice these things), and she lives in Anaheim, California. If I had to guess, I’d say that Brandon will end up working a skin game on Venice Beach, and his brand of choice will be Basic Lights or Pall Malls if he had a good day.
That’s Heidi at a glance, but let’s explore her more in depth. You’re probably asking, what makes Heidi Heidi? What color is her soul? What can she offer the world?
Reader, please! Come up with harder questions next time: delusion and desperation, pink, and BJs.
People like Heidi really frustrate me. I’m sure she’s a good person and only wants to carve out a comfortable life for her and her son, which is all well and good, but how she goes about it and the way she presents herself are all wrong. She absolutely reeks of desperation, and that’s the best way to find yourself a mentally and physically abusive future ex-husband. She spends half her profile on what amounts to a poorly wrought personal ad, and I’d like to spend some time dissecting it. Remember, all the crap in quotes is sic.
She starts things off with this disclaimer: “IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 30…***DO NOT CONTACT ME!!!***” Don’t worry: I am, and I wouldn’t if I weren’t.
She continues: “I am a loyal, worry-free girl, who wants NOTHING MORE than to be ‘in-love’ and ‘be loved’! I am an honest, straight-forward (sometimes a little too brutally honest though) person.” Interesting start. Aside from some strange punctuation, a couple extra hyphens, and some awkward phrasing, her command of the English language is far better than that of the average MySpacer. (Sorry… always have to comment on that. Makes me feel better about myself. She may give better head, but I can out-grammar her any day of the week.) As for the content, nothing too interesting just yet.
She spices things up: “I love taking care of my man by making sure that my womenly duties in a relationship are kept up!!” This is more like it. This I can work with. Question for the ladies out there - and for the gents if they want to weigh in - what the fuck are “womenly duties in a relationship?” Ignore the non-word “womenly” for a second and just try to figure out what the hell she could be talking about. The only things that would make sense to me are things that would set feminism back 50 years, and I like to think that Heidi is above all that.
Moving on: “I’ve done my fair-share of experimentation with different men (and women for that matter) back-in-the-day….SO I can honestly say I am, and have been, ready to settle down with Mr. Right as soon as I find him!! (IF…he even exsists!)” Allow me to rewrite this for you Heidi: “Bi-curious former slut, 30, looking for man for monogamous relationship (stop laughing!). Must enjoy children with bad haircuts, terribly unsexy erotic poetry, and completely ignoring my past, present, and future indiscretions.” That’s more to the point. Also, does anyone else get the feeling that Brandon was an accident? I do.
Enough of that nonsense. Let’s look at her art. Here are some small samples of Heidi’s poetry: “You Start To Work It In Slow And With Such A Perfection… / That Our Bodies Now Move In Perfect Signalization” and “YOU Are My Man…. Not A Little Boy… / YOU Know How To Hump Me And You’re My Pure Sexual Joy!!” Yeah, she typed those words into a computer and put them on the web for everyone to see. I love how she rhymes “Such A Perfection” with “Perfect Signalization,” the way it rolls off the tongue. If MySpace doesn’t already have a poet laureate, I’d like to nominate Heidi. (Aside: I googled “perfect signalization” just for kicks.)
Christ, this chick is giving me a headache. I should probably ease back into writing these thingies, so I’ll stop there for now and let you explore Heidi some more on your own. As always, if you find anyone you’d like to nominate for Hottie of the Week, slap a perfect signalization on ‘em, and I’ll check ‘em out.
