With the announcement that Hobo Tony Snow was going broke on a measly $170,000 a year, I suppose the job of White House Press Secretary is open. Mister President, please allow me to throw my Stetson in the cowpoke.

I am a former member of the professional media and will bring the same steely gaze I used to stare down druggie rock musicians and Nick Cannon to put those tards from NPR in their place. What’s more, slinging rhetorical hash for Fortune 500 behemoths has instilled in me an all-encompassing sense of nihilism that I believe would allow me to spin the roaring shit dragons of public opinion.

Here are just a few of many ideas I am will immediately put to work to right your name in the pages of history:

Situation: Congressional Ally Caught Cruising for Sodomy in Airport Bathroom
Spin: A. Airports Security has their priorities straight. (Get it? Lighting the mood). No seriously, we have a mandate from middle America to take care of these bastards. B. Fundamentalists terrorists less likely to fly if they think they will have to poop next to a Gay. C. Craig wasn’t looking for sex. He was on a clandestine special ops mission and when he slipped his fingers under the bathroom stall, he was suppose to get a microfiche that had some secret stuff on there. What kind of stuff, Brian Williams? TOP Mutherfucking Secret stuff. Out of your pay class, bozo. Next question.

Situation: State Sanctioned Torture Flaunts Our Disregard for Everything America is Suppose to Stand For
Spin: Most key information was tickled out of these guys. We didn’t want to do it, but we’re at war, people. Also, I looked this up — Geneva? Not part of the U.S. It’s in a whole other country. So I think that tells us something about their motives.

Situation: Bad Idea War Getting Worse Every Single Second, Costing Endless Amount of Human Life and Money
Spin: Did anybody see Two and Half Men last night? They had this delightful moral at the end where the fat kid learned he had to stick with band class even though he was terrible at the French horn. It really touched me and Misses, and the President has that episode tivoed and promised me this morning he was gonna watch it later, because he thought it had a really great message…This Administration advises all citizens to enjoy the delightful antics of this number one comedy.

Situation: Habeas Corpus Dumped
Spin: (Play dumb). Do you mean Mexican zombies? I have said this many times, we are not going to comment on the undead outside of our borders. The Mexican government will have to stock up on their own shotgun shells and blunt bludgeoning weapons if they hope to contain this menace. We have our own problems.

Situation: Planet Earth Appears to be Trying to Have a Very Late-Term Abortion for Humanity
Spin: …(pretend not to hear the question).

PS: Look who’s a badass!