This one’s dedicated to all the lovely ladies who frequent Barber College, but the gents are also welcome to read on.

Does this guy look familiar? He calls himself Mystery, and it’s quite possible he tried to pick you up one night in a shitty nightclub with a steady onslaught of cheese. Even if he did, the fact that you’re reading this blog tells me you’re a smart-enough gal not to have fallen for his version of charm.

If you’re fortunate never to have experienced Mystery firsthand, you might instead recognize him as the star of VH1’s “The Pickup Artist.” Basically, VH1 and Mystery took eight normal, nice guys who were just lacking in confidence, and Mystery taught them how to manipulate and lie to stupid girls in the hopes of fucking them. Mystery gets paid to do this. It’s his job. In the end, the guys were reduced to cheesy balls of douche. I’m all for people gaining confidence, but these guys were just automatons spewing schlocky bullshit to people who didn’t know any better.

Let’s see what Mystery’s MySpace thingie, which is basically an ad for his services, has to say. He writes, “The Venusian Arts Process, ‘Mystery’s method’ is a practical, field-tested method that allows men from any background to meet, attract, and build relationships with exceptional women of extraordinary quality and breath-taking beauty.”

Ugh. Where to begin… First of all, easy on the adjectives, bud. It makes you sound desperate. As for “Venusian Arts Process,” the only one of those words that doesn’t bother me is “process.” For better or worse, what you’re teaching is a process. But come on! If “venusian” were an actual word - and it’s certainly not - it’d be one you should never use, and using “arts” in this context cheapens actual fine arts like finger-painting and coloring. Then comes “quality.” I don’t know what you mean here. Quality how? Are they smart and well-read women? Do they have good senses of humor? Solid educational backgrounds? Challenging and rewarding careers? Ohhhh! I see what you’re getting at. They don’t wear underwear. You stud, you!

Reading on, we discover that before Mystery was Mystery, he was Erik von Markovik (German for Erik of Markovik, Markovik being a little-known city in the German lowlands), and before that, he was Erik James Horvat-Markovik. Did I mention that Mystery is a magician from Canada? Because he is. If that doesn’t get you wet, I don’t know what will.

But then he drops this bomb: “I, like other magicians including Penn & Teller and James Randi, do not believe in the supernatural and am an atheist.” Whoa! An atheist Canadian magician! I’m gonna start using that as a pickup line. I’ll be like, “Hey. I’m Loquacious (that’s my pickup artist name). I’m a magician from Canada, and I don’t believe in God. Wanna come back to my hotel, and, uh, let me saw you in half?” I’m only kidding, pal! That does explain why you feel the need to lie to women, though. Also, you, unlike other magicians including Penn & Teller and James Randi, are a dick.

This is bordering on fuzzy-hat overload. Explore Erik more at your leisure, and if you’re feeling frisky, definitely start with his YouTube videos. I’ll close now with a text message conversation I had with my brother a few days ago while watching a “Pickup Artist” marathon:

J-Ho: I kind of want to follow Mystery around and tell every woman he meets that he has AIDS.

C-Ho: Or that he’s Canadian. And a magician.

J-Ho: Yeah. Those are worse than AIDS.