via Best Week Ever.

No, really.

I had a Mitch Hedberg moment today - one of those times when I was reminded of Mitch’s uncanny ability to point out the stupid everyday nonsense we usually overlook. It’s one of my favorite Mitch jokes - actually the source of this blog’s tagline. Mitch buys a donut, and he gets a receipt.

Anyway, I stopped at CVS after work to buy a toothbrush and a bottle of water, and the receipt they gave me was over a foot long. Literally. Look at the thing (I put an actual American quarter next to it for scale)! C’mon, CVS. I can’t think of a situation in which I would need to prove that I bought a toothbrush and a bottle of water. But you’ll be happy to know I recycled the receipt.

Moral of the story: Don’t take drugs, because somebody out there loves you.

Andrew WK is producing an album for Lee “Scratch” Perry, titled “The Salvation of All Mankind.” Well it should be. Also there are some really awesome rumors about our man WK on the web, including that he cut his hair 3 years ago and now wears a wig.

Oh, it hurts to breathe. Hope your Thanksgiving was cool. Later this week: Dog feud.

• Discuss in-depth strategies with co-workers for dealing with a “Brewster’s Millions”-rules spending spree.
• Coffee, coffee, coffee.
• Read the Internet. All of it.
• Play “Call Off Duty” at lunch. When all the hardcore nerds start snipping the shit out of you, go on epic dieing spree, after which said nerds will declare, “Man, you really were using those smoke bombs.”
• Debate dog names with Mrs. over email until your highly logical argument against “Olive,” makes her really mad apparently.
• Learn to Souja Boy.
• Spend an hour and ten minutes reorganize your Firefox bookmarks to be more efficient and timesaving.
• Choke on irony.
• Watch this 30 or 40 times:

From the coffee counter at the bagel shop this morning:

Bagel Lady: “Spiced sausage on everything?”

Guy: “Yeah.”

Suck it, New York.

I think it’s high time we brought the irony back to this feature.

Tip: Don’t kiss me on the bus.

Be back soon.

As you are no doubt aware, Barbers and Barberettes, BC encourages social-type do-gooding. We also insist that you know what words mean. Fortunately, with the help of modern technology, it is now possible for you to be the most articulate do-gooder on the block!

In case anyone is interested, WikiAnswers says there are 1,000 grains of rice in a cup. After donating 1,100 grains (and zero cheating), my vocab level is 42.

Thanks, Underwire.