So considering the content of his hit song, is anyone else bothered by the fact that Soulja Boy was born in 1990?

1) Lie to get what you want.

2) Remember that the more raw emotion you pour into your lies, the more likely people are to believe them and give you what you want.

3) If you get caught lying, become indignant and pretend that you are the victim.

So I found this site today. It’s like a certain feature on this blog, only the opposite. Any schmuck can post pictures of scantily clad women and call it a blog, but does he know how much effort and creativity it takes to make fun of a random, defenseless MySpace user who had the misfortune of showing up in my browser every single week?*

It’s been a really long time since BC had a legit blog feud, but maybe it’s time to start another one. We might be fairly mainstream with our own domain now, but like they always say, you can take the boy out the streets, but you can’t take the streets out the boy.

Just so you know what we’re dealing with, here’s some sample text from Hottest Girls of MySpace. For now, I’ll withhold further criticism:

For the record, I have respect for all people, especially women (mostly because they have breasts and a vagina). But in all seriousness this is a blog to entertain and amuse both myself and my readers. If you take it seriously, that is up to you. I do not know any of the people I post about and all of the commentary is based on my impressions of the pictures I publish. Therefore, any comments taken as offensive or rude? Too fucking bad. The pictures tell the story.

Let me tell you what I like best about this picture It’s not the tongues on the tits. It’s not the beer in hand. It’s not the fact that they’re drunk or that this picture just totally kicks some serious baby tushy. You know what I love? That slight belly bulge on the girl getting licked. You can tell she’s just a little chubby and I just love that. Why? She’s real. And she has the tits to compensate for that cute little kitten trapped inside her tummy. What a perfect one night stand candidate. Wow.

Plain, simple, yet devious. For all we know that’s really one of those stars in the middle of a circle symbolizing the devil. For me? I just think it’s a signal pointing to her ass crack. That kind of tattoo is a road map to look down. Are we really going to look UP after seeing it? No.

What is it that makes a pornstar? Seriously I don’t get it. I mean she could easily enter the business. I suppose it’s just showing your vagina on film and letting a penis come into the frame. All of sudden that instantly make men want to have sex with you.

* I don’t mean “week” in the literal sense. And it’s not that much work, really.

Dear Drunk Lady,

I live 3,000 miles away from you, yet I am terrified for my life. Your blood is not supposed to be made of alcohol. Please go to rehab before you run over America with your car. I am serious.

Love,

J-Ho

Ya know that Simpsons episode where Homer gets a computer and designs his own site, and it’s full of colorful, tacky animated gifs and annoying sound clips that he stole from other sources? I think that’s kind of like how Sharon assembled her personality.

Wow. I think that’s the meanest thing I’ve ever written. But we’ve already gone too far, so why stop now? Besides, it’s like my old teacher Blogmasta I-Bee-Nutz liked to say: “Muhfukkas who blog skurred ain’t never go’ change da world.” That was before the Blog Wars of ‘06 claimed his life (Mourn ya till I join ya!), but I think his message still applies.

Let’s get back to Sharon before I get too far off the subject, which, if you recall, is Sharon. This picture sums her up pretty nicely:

One part Ashlee, one part Avril… All attitude. Don’t cross her, because she’s not afraid to wear pink and flip you off at the same time! She’s a punk! Nyah!

Oh, and she’s 20. I know all of our female readers had their own sk8er grrrl phases, but by the time 20 rolls around, it’s time to start thinking about getting married and having babies. Or at least not acting like a bratty teen.

Let’s go bullet-steez for a sec, because today’s bratty teens have been spoiled by the Internet, and they can’t sit still for long paragraphs:

“i have a mom, dad, older sister and a younger brother. They are all sometimes kinda awesome.” - A couple of adverbs in the second sentence make me think she hates her family.

“i like to swim, paint, color, skip and draw!!” - 20.

“and i’m currently going to Brazosport College to get an art degree so that i can work for Pixar!!!” - I’m not entirely convinced that Brazosport College is a real thing. They do have a site set up, but it looks like it was made with crayons and construction paper.

“i wanna be famouser and i write comics- ‘FLyBoi and WonderGurl’ and thier gonna be famous too someday!” - If she gets published before I do, I promise you I’ll quit trying at life and become a nun.

“i have a lot of different types of friends, but most of them listen to country (and i totally don’t listen to country and stuff.)” - I mostly listen to Ghostface and indie rock. I don’t think this is gonna work out between us after all, Sharon.

“And i ♥ those shoes that my sister gave me because i wore them out, and thier pink and cute!” - Please read this then retry the previous sentence.

“i feel like everone’s growing up to fast. i was looking at myspace profile of some of the people who graduated with me. Lot’s of them are married and have kids. Somehow it makes me a bit jelly, but at the same time i’m just like, well whatever. To have a husband and a child would be a lot to take care of, and i feel like for a person to live that life, they should be able to live on their own and not be dependent of anyone else to start with. but that’s just me.” - I expect/require A. to comment on the devilish way one might parse the first line of this paragraph and then extrapolate the idea into a short story for future posting on BC.

“i had the worst nighmare ever. everyone that i love and care for dissapeared and i was left alone, with nothing to live for. and then everything around me started to dissapear as well…
and that’s when i woke up.” Oh, come on, Sharon. You know very well you stole that nightmare from a very famous Twilight Zone episode.

That’s all the shit I got on Sharon. I’m gonna go sulk in the corner now.

---

While I’m here, let me say “Merry Christmas” to BC’s loyal readership… And a special hello to the MySpace Hottie segment’s #1 fan (you know who you are).

“After the Aug. 26 call, the teens, ages 16 and 19, were awakened in the middle of the night and given the shock treatments, at times while their legs and arms were bound. One teen received 77 shocks and the other received 29. One boy was treated for two first-degree burns.”

Come on, Massachusetts. You were doing so well!

Suck on it, Santa. Happy Holidays, kids.

Did you know we have a tumblr outpost for this little humble publishing house? Barbr College will keep you updated on what we’re gnawing over else where on the net and we’ll save the main page here for more serious stuff. Like making fun of Zoey 101 and her boyfriend’s upcoming statutory trial. Hot ‘08 trend: teenage bastard babies are the new celeb sex tape. Jamie Lynn, way to up our vague awareness over night. Anyways, here’s the BC Tumblr archive: live the dream.

This is a new feature. If you can’t figure out how it works just by reading the title, you should probably kill yourself. Let’s get started.

Today, we get from ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus to the release date of Janet Jackson’s “Miss You Much” by way of kidney stones and the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. Learning is fun!

Epicurus was way ahead of his time. He thought the superstitious fearmongers in his midst ought to settle the fuck down and just try to live a decent, happy life, preferably by talking philosophy with friends (which, for him, included the women and slaves he admitted to his school). That’s right: This dude admitted women and slaves to his fancy school hundreds of years before people would fawn all over that guy Jesus for merely convincing a group of law-abiding citizens not to stone a woman to death.

Speaking of stones, it’s worth noting that our man Epicurus was this unrelentingly pleasant despite suffering from kidney stones — conveniently the next step on our journey through the intertubes. I cannot bring myself to discuss the particulars of kidney stones in this space, but do click the link if for some reason you want to learn more. All you really need to know is that sometimes medical professionals zap kidney stones with lasers, and that’s the page we’re headed to next.

Lasers kick ass. They can kill you or draw your attention to something. This is where the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office comes in.

Apparently the USP&TO told the physicist who first tried to patent the laser in 1959 to fuck off, but they were very happy to grant patent No. 5,443,036 — for a totally unheard-of, laser-pointer-utilizing “method of exercising a cat” — on August 22, 1995. This method now has its very own Wikipedia page, and it’s our last stop before the grand finale: August 22.

A great many things have happened on August 22, but historians agree that the most important was the 1989 release of Janet Jackson’s chart-topping single, “Miss You Much,” in which the singer demonstrates her love for an unnamed boy through dance and spelling.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this installment. If you have suggestions for the starting point of a future SDoW, post them in comments. I might take them if they’re any good.

When I first saw this story on CNN.com about two New Jersey convicts who escaped from prison by digging through a wall and concealing the hole with pictures of bikini-clad women, I remarked to A. that it was unforgivable that the writer didn’t mention “The Shawshank Redemption.” That’s since been fixed.

But there’s something even dumber going on in the new version of the story. It doesn’t have anything to do with style, though. It’s this line: “There is an $8,000 reward for the men’s capture.”

I imagine a conversation between the sheriff (an older, grizzled type) and a deputy (one of his green subordinates) that went something like this:

Deputy: We need to offer a reward for these guys. Ya know, to get the word out.

Sheriff: I agree. $8,000 for the both of ‘em.

D: That doesn’t seem like a whole lot, sir.

S: What, like you got $8,000 cash layin’ around?

D: No, I don’t, sir. But doesn’t it make sense to offer something like $50,000 or $100,000? Ya know, something that really lets the people know how serious this is?

S: This ain’t about the money.

D: But sir, these guys came up with an ingenious and daring escape plan, and they have long histories of violent crime. I just think we should offer an amount that stresses the importance of capturing them.

S: Son, times get rough, I trust my gut. And my gut’s sayin’ $8,000.

D: Could we at least round it up to $10,000? A one with a bunch of zeros after it looks pretty impressive, ya know?

S: Let me ask my gut. … Nope.