MySpace Hottie of the Week, Episode 15
Ya know that Simpsons episode where Homer gets a computer and designs his own site, and it’s full of colorful, tacky animated gifs and annoying sound clips that he stole from other sources? I think that’s kind of like how Sharon assembled her personality.
Wow. I think that’s the meanest thing I’ve ever written. But we’ve already gone too far, so why stop now? Besides, it’s like my old teacher Blogmasta I-Bee-Nutz liked to say: “Muhfukkas who blog skurred ain’t never go’ change da world.” That was before the Blog Wars of ‘06 claimed his life (Mourn ya till I join ya!), but I think his message still applies.
Let’s get back to Sharon before I get too far off the subject, which, if you recall, is Sharon. This picture sums her up pretty nicely:
Oh, and she’s 20. I know all of our female readers had their own sk8er grrrl phases, but by the time 20 rolls around, it’s time to start thinking about getting married and having babies. Or at least not acting like a bratty teen.
Let’s go bullet-steez for a sec, because today’s bratty teens have been spoiled by the Internet, and they can’t sit still for long paragraphs:
“i have a mom, dad, older sister and a younger brother. They are all sometimes kinda awesome.” - A couple of adverbs in the second sentence make me think she hates her family.
“i like to swim, paint, color, skip and draw!!” - 20.
“and i’m currently going to Brazosport College to get an art degree so that i can work for Pixar!!!” - I’m not entirely convinced that Brazosport College is a real thing. They do have a site set up, but it looks like it was made with crayons and construction paper.
“i wanna be famouser and i write comics- ‘FLyBoi and WonderGurl’ and thier gonna be famous too someday!” - If she gets published before I do, I promise you I’ll quit trying at life and become a nun.
“i have a lot of different types of friends, but most of them listen to country (and i totally don’t listen to country and stuff.)” - I mostly listen to Ghostface and indie rock. I don’t think this is gonna work out between us after all, Sharon.
“And i ♥ those shoes that my sister gave me because i wore them out, and thier pink and cute!” - Please read this then retry the previous sentence.
“i feel like everone’s growing up to fast. i was looking at myspace profile of some of the people who graduated with me. Lot’s of them are married and have kids. Somehow it makes me a bit jelly, but at the same time i’m just like, well whatever. To have a husband and a child would be a lot to take care of, and i feel like for a person to live that life, they should be able to live on their own and not be dependent of anyone else to start with. but that’s just me.” - I expect/require A. to comment on the devilish way one might parse the first line of this paragraph and then extrapolate the idea into a short story for future posting on BC.
“i had the worst nighmare ever. everyone that i love and care for dissapeared and i was left alone, with nothing to live for. and then everything around me started to dissapear as well…
and that’s when i woke up.” Oh, come on, Sharon. You know very well you stole that nightmare from a very famous Twilight Zone episode.
That’s all the shit I got on Sharon. I’m gonna go sulk in the corner now.
While I’m here, let me say “Merry Christmas” to BC’s loyal readership… And a special hello to the MySpace Hottie segment’s #1 fan (you know who you are).
