Today’s contestant: Unnamed AP Writer

Entry: “Manning shook off conditions that would make a Siberian husky shiver. He repeatedly put the Giants in position to win in the third-coldest championship game ever - and certainly the most frigid of his young career.”

Analysis: There’s so much wrong with this…

Fine. It was cold. State the temperature or some shit and move on. Don’t get cute. If I ever find myself saying “third-coldest” in any context other than making fun of someone who just said “third-coldest,” I will be so ashamed that I will spontaneously freeze into the third-coldest corpse ever. And there have been some PRETTY COLD CORPSES. Am I right? Huh?

Next, I own a Siberian husky. His name is Chauncey. He’s illiterate, and he only understands maybe six words of English, but when I read that excerpt aloud to him, he scoffed. It’s not just because it’s factually inaccurate (He said that if he had been at the game, he would’ve run around in circles and stuffed his head in snow banks, because the temperature would’ve been just right for him), but also because he has a strong distaste for bad metaphors.

Chauncey’s suggestion: “If there were similar conditions at the Playboy Mansion, even James Bond’s dick would still be limp.”