February 29, 2008
Dear Mr. XXXXX,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about HOT POCKETS® brand sandwiches. We welcome questions and comments from loyal consumers such as yourself and appreciate this opportunity to assist you.

We have reviewed our records and have determined –to the best of our knowledge that none of our LEAN POCKETS® products are involved in the Westland/Hallmark recall. We have determined that two HOT POCKETS® retail items are affected by this recall. They include only two days of production of HOT POCKETS® brand Philly Steak and Cheese and HOT POCKETS® brand Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese, both in the two-pack box. No other sizes or varieties of HOT POCKETS® brand products are affected.

We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you will visit our website often for the latest information on our products and promotions.

Sincerely,
xxxxxxx
Consumer Response Representative

First there were nine. Then there were eight. Now we have 11?

Keep on clicking.

Thanks to Bizarro J-Ho for the link.

I can’t believe it’s been a week* since the last MySpace Hottie episode! But time flies when you’re young and in love and you have a dog and a job and things like that. Anyway, have I got a treat for you this week! Pamm comes to us via Thomas, part of the growing army of people who are kind enough to pass along super-hot hotties in support of my noble goal of making fun of MySpace users. So here she is:

Things you should know about Pamm: She’s 51, lives in Indiana, and has three loves: Jesus, Mike Huckabee, and some guy named Pizza Mike.

Let’s do Jesus first. Embedded in the background of Pamm’s profile, we find some words that can only be lyrics to a Christian rock song (confirmed by Google: “You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman). The ditty goes, “And I will fear no evil / For my God is with me / And if my God is with me / Whom then shall I fear? / Whom then shall I fear?” Well, off the top of my head: Barack Obama, Satan, terrorists, people who want to take your guns away, tax-and-spend liberals, Iran, and haters of freedom everywhere.

Then she gives us this:

I honestly don’t understand this. I mean, I get the message it’s trying to send, which is that Jesus will evidently accept anyone who believes in Him, like that one verse says, but why is it a faux driver’s license? It just doesn’t add up. Like, “since creation” isn’t really a date. Even if it were, the box should be in reference to the holders of the license (All Who Believe), which would mean modern Christians even predated Jesus! Impossible! Man… Maybe I’m overthinking this. This is why I don’t write these more often. I get headaches.

So let’s talk about Mike Huckabee, who is featured prominently throughout Pamm’s profile. Pamm has this little box that supposedly allows one to enter a dollar amount, click “donate,” and instantly give money to the Huckabee campaign. I decided to call her bluff. I tried to enter $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in the box, but then it told me there was a $500 limit. Even when I entered $500, it just forwarded me to another site. I knew it didn’t work that way!

But what about Pamm herself? What is she all about, other than Jesus, Huckabee, and Pizza Mike (who turns out to be her husband)?

Her favorite music doesn’t really include anything worth mocking further - mostly Christian music and some bland secular rock. But the movies? AWESOME! First on her list are the “Left Behind” movies, which, let me tell you, are some of the greatest comedies ever made. They’re about an atheist TV news reporter (Kirk Cameron) who endures the Rapture and the rise of the Antichrist, who is aided by a Jewish scientist (take that, evolutionists!), after he is - *gasp* - LEFT BEHIND! Really good stuff. Add that shit to your Netflix queue post haste. Also among her favorite movies: “anything by Tyler Perry.”

If you’ve read this feature before, you probably know that the “About me” section is usually my favorite of any MySpace profile, and Pamm’s is a perfect example of why. She writes, “I love the Lord and hope to walk the Streets of Gold with Him real soon.” Honestly, I have no problem with Pamm being a Christian. I think that’s fine. I’m glad she has that happiness and stability in her life. But isn’t there something morbid about hoping for your own death just so that you can get on up to heaven sooner? And then she says, “My primary interests include studying the Bible, the Endtime…” See what I mean? Weird and morbid! And so on: “My favorite thing is to walk cemeteries and see who I can find in my family. I have located over 300-400 graves over the last 6 years with 200 in the first 6 months.”

So that’s it for Pamm. Jesus, Mike Huckabee, and a strange fascination with death. Go forth in peace.

*two months

Maybe I’m just a cynic, but the equation “more guns = less gun violence” doesn’t seem all that logical for some reason.

Heading out to see Wilco in a minute. Third time I’ve fallen ass-backwards into tickets to Tweedy and Co.:

1. Suppose to cover the a2 show for my college paper, but got screwed by pr rep. a stranger handed me a ticket in front of the theater, which was suppose to be for his friend, who skipped the show to go into rehab.

2. free vip passes to d-town tastefest, which was free to begin with, but included side of stage seats and free booze.

3. tonight, media peeps at work had extra tickets. first time seeing the band in Chicago, and it comes right in the middle of their 5 night stand at the Rivera, playing all their songs (is this still happening? anybody know?).

I’d go with a quint with swiss, bacon and grilled onions on pump. Side of fries to share, which I think I should have said at the beginning.

via burger freak Gorilla.

I hear Frankie Muniz is looking for a stand-in.

“[Inge] batted .236 with 14 homers and 71 RBIs last year while Cabrera hit .320 with 34 homers and 119 RBIs with the Marlins.”

Even using crappy metrics, it’s strikingly clear who is better at baseball.

And then: “‘Brandon Inge, no offense to anyone on this team, is the best athlete on the team,’ the manager said.”

*sigh*