No clever comment from the BC repertoire could make this better than it already is:

Thanks to IT Master Gordo for the link.

Today’s contestant: Unnamed AP Writer

Entry: “Manning shook off conditions that would make a Siberian husky shiver. He repeatedly put the Giants in position to win in the third-coldest championship game ever - and certainly the most frigid of his young career.”

Analysis: There’s so much wrong with this…

Fine. It was cold. State the temperature or some shit and move on. Don’t get cute. If I ever find myself saying “third-coldest” in any context other than making fun of someone who just said “third-coldest,” I will be so ashamed that I will spontaneously freeze into the third-coldest corpse ever. And there have been some PRETTY COLD CORPSES. Am I right? Huh?

Next, I own a Siberian husky. His name is Chauncey. He’s illiterate, and he only understands maybe six words of English, but when I read that excerpt aloud to him, he scoffed. It’s not just because it’s factually inaccurate (He said that if he had been at the game, he would’ve run around in circles and stuffed his head in snow banks, because the temperature would’ve been just right for him), but also because he has a strong distaste for bad metaphors.

Chauncey’s suggestion: “If there were similar conditions at the Playboy Mansion, even James Bond’s dick would still be limp.”

So I was telling A. about how I was buying new curtains, because my puppy decided to rip the Venetian blinds off my windows. Here’s the text message conversation that followed:

A.: If it weren’t for the Venetians, it’d be curtains for all of us!

J-Ho: Yay. You get 6,003 points for that one.

J-Ho: Did I say 6,003? I meant 600,000,000,003.

A.: I do what I can.

J-Ho: It took me a few readings to realize exactly how funny that joke is. The answer is extremely.

J-Ho: Like, the pun works on its own, but then I picture the Venetians and how proud they are of their contribution to the world.

A.: Can you really picture a Venetian? I can’t.

J-Ho: They look like greasy gangsters, but they’re wearing togas and holding blinds up with one hand, and they’re giving the world the finger with the other.

A.: Can the leader be yelling, “Slats, motherfucker!”?

J-Ho: He has to be! I didn’t have audio in my vision before, but that’s absolutely what he’s yelling.

J-Ho: This is going on BC.