You know what’s awesome about Gmail, aside from everything? The spam filter. It hardly ever misses. Since my old college e-mail addresses, which are on a few dozen mailing lists, still forward to my Gmail address, I get about 100 spam e-mails a day. They get filtered and dumped, so I hardly ever read them. But for a change I thought I’d read some of them today. Naturally about 3/4 of them are ads(?) for penis enlargement drugs, but that’s not the funny part. The funny part is that the text in the bodies of the e-mails has become so nonsensical that it makes ya wonder who’s getting paid to send spam anymore. Honestly, I don’t think anyone is. I think spam software has become self-aware, kind of like Skynet in Terminator or the Matrix in The Matrix. The messages generate and send themselves, which is how we end up with stuff like this:

“Boytoys always giggled at me and even gars did in the civil WC!
Well, now I smil at them, because I took Mega. Dik
for 7 months and now my pecker is indeed greater than usual.
take http://stolltd.com/
————————–
Cup at the Queen’s Park Oval, Port of Spain, Trinidad
Stamford Bridge, where Chelsea had to come from 3-1 down
Middlesbrough again as he blocked a cross net pass from
inside wheat gluten which is used in pet foods as a
People’s Bank of China Governor Zhou Xiaochuan starts”

I don’t watch soccer regularly, which is probably why I never knew that wheat gluten was involved.

“Princesses always whizgiggled at me and even gentlemans did in the open toilet!
Well, now I giggl at them, because I took Mega. Dik
for 6 months and now my member is much best than national.
win http://stoneic.com/
————————–
We didn’t receive press releases or scripts in advance
has boarded a bus containing 32 children and 2 teachers
somehow. Authorities have not said there was a shooting.
people die in a gun battle.
took the right decision Tony Blair, UK Prime”

Can you hear the random word generators churning this shit out in the nether areas of Cyberspace? Listen carefully. It sounds like tiny horses marching down a street paved in Frosted Flakes.

Just to prove my point even further, look at this one from a gal named Shauna H. Roper:

“All girls always laughed at me and even guys did in the public toilets!
Well, now I laugh at them, because I took MegaDik
For 5 months and now my dick is much bigger than “average” size.”

Sorry everyone laughed at you because of your tiny penis, Shauna, but it sounds like you found peace of mind in the end. Isn’t that what life’s all about?

Ruff!

Also awesome.

Mr. Hip Hop is live.

The geniuses at Aesthetic Apparatus explain (sorta):

MISTER HIP-HOPâ„¢ PARTY PACK

OH MY GAWD! This is years in the making. For those of you who have known us for a while you may have heard our hollow threats over the years of getting Mister Hip-Hopâ„¢ up and off the ground. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mister Hip-Hopâ„¢ he is our golden ticket. He is our mega-merchandising monster that is going to make us millions and get us on the cover of Money magazine and everyone is going to ask us in interviews “How in the world did you do it? How did you make so much money off this stupid image of a dork with a mustache and glasses called Mister Hip-Hopâ„¢?!” We’ll just reply ” He’s a viral memeoid, if you have to ask you don’t understand anyway.” and throw another stack of thousand dollar bills in the fireplace while we sip fine champagne out of our REAL gold-plated monkey skull goblets. For the love of the godz someone needs to buy these! Do it for the children!

You better get on this before someone scoops it and all you’ll be able to
say is “Oh yeah, I think I’ve heard of that.”

Here’s a little light reading on my new favorite subject “Memetics” for ya’ too.

This is called viral marketing. It wants to be your friend and shave your body. You might wanna go ahead and let it.

Whoa. Mind fuck Friday continues here at BC.

Looking to cash in those gift cards? Perhaps you need a LASER COMB!!!! A hair-loss treatment that harnesses the natural power of lasers to scares you hair into growing back for only $545.00.

Here’s how it pretends like it’s telling you how it works:

“The HairMax LaserComb delivers the energizing and nourishing effects of Laser PhotoThereapy to make hair look healthy and vibrant. Light is energy. Living cells thrive in light and your hair is no different. The end result is that the appearance of your hair will improve and you will feel good about your hair again.”

Here’s some professional marketing taglines I’m offering free to the people who make the laser comb. Fell free to add your own on the backblog.

LASER COMB — From the people who should have been curing AIDS.
LASER COMB — Splitting hairs … at the speed of LASERS!
Unruly Hair? Learn it some mutherfuckin’ manners with LASER COMB.
LASER COMB (Not For Use With ATOMIC TOOTHBRUSH)
LASER COMB! Your hairy balls won’t know what hit em.
If you love the vibrating MACH3 razor, then hold on for the LASER COMB.
Hey do you like pointless shit?
LASER COMB: ‘Cause CellPhone tumors don’t grow fast enough.

So Little Jackie White is selling out and writing a song for coke. I’m not sure how much I care yet, maybe the song will be better than we think and negate the whole argument. If the rumors about his wife being pregers are true it’s totally fine, selling out when you have kids is OK to me. If the baby gets a college fund, D-town hipsters can just be quite. The guy is going a bit crazy, (some say this just the next phase of his Michael Jackson transformation) but the man did so much for that scene and the town he can have a pass on this one. Almost all my favorite bands have almost all done commercials now: the Clash, Malkmus, Flaming Lips, the Who, etc. It’s depressing yea, but I drink coke, too (red and white color scheme will not be wasted I’m sure. Go Red Wings).

But while I don’t care that much, it seems maybe Jack should maybe a bit more. Remember during the White Blood Cell era when GAP offered the Stripes a million dollars and Jack went around bragging about not taking it? Yeah well, we all end up doing stuff we wouldn’t expect.

By the way, how cool is it that Bob Odenkirk got Meg to play drums for some songs for the new comedy he’s directing, which stars Will “Gob” Arnet? How cool is it that Bob is getting to direct movies? I totally agree with his defense of Meg’s skills. Nobody talks about how the Coldplay drummer can’t play because he’s a dude, even though he has one beat too. People talked shit about Maureen Tucker too. Meg went to my high school and her mom was our librarian, so just because she’s the coolest person ever to come out my hometown and raises the whole pompous-ass burg up one notch, I love her. Go Norsemen.