Time to get baptized!

You know what’s awesome about Gmail, aside from everything? The spam filter. It hardly ever misses. Since my old college e-mail addresses, which are on a few dozen mailing lists, still forward to my Gmail address, I get about 100 spam e-mails a day. They get filtered and dumped, so I hardly ever read them. But for a change I thought I’d read some of them today. Naturally about 3/4 of them are ads(?) for penis enlargement drugs, but that’s not the funny part. The funny part is that the text in the bodies of the e-mails has become so nonsensical that it makes ya wonder who’s getting paid to send spam anymore. Honestly, I don’t think anyone is. I think spam software has become self-aware, kind of like Skynet in Terminator or the Matrix in The Matrix. The messages generate and send themselves, which is how we end up with stuff like this:

“Boytoys always giggled at me and even gars did in the civil WC!
Well, now I smil at them, because I took Mega. Dik
for 7 months and now my pecker is indeed greater than usual.
take http://stolltd.com/
————————–
Cup at the Queen’s Park Oval, Port of Spain, Trinidad
Stamford Bridge, where Chelsea had to come from 3-1 down
Middlesbrough again as he blocked a cross net pass from
inside wheat gluten which is used in pet foods as a
People’s Bank of China Governor Zhou Xiaochuan starts”

I don’t watch soccer regularly, which is probably why I never knew that wheat gluten was involved.

“Princesses always whizgiggled at me and even gentlemans did in the open toilet!
Well, now I giggl at them, because I took Mega. Dik
for 6 months and now my member is much best than national.
win http://stoneic.com/
————————–
We didn’t receive press releases or scripts in advance
has boarded a bus containing 32 children and 2 teachers
somehow. Authorities have not said there was a shooting.
people die in a gun battle.
took the right decision Tony Blair, UK Prime”

Can you hear the random word generators churning this shit out in the nether areas of Cyberspace? Listen carefully. It sounds like tiny horses marching down a street paved in Frosted Flakes.

Just to prove my point even further, look at this one from a gal named Shauna H. Roper:

“All girls always laughed at me and even guys did in the public toilets!
Well, now I laugh at them, because I took MegaDik
For 5 months and now my dick is much bigger than “average” size.”

Sorry everyone laughed at you because of your tiny penis, Shauna, but it sounds like you found peace of mind in the end. Isn’t that what life’s all about?

Please, everyone: Leave exorcisms to the professionals. We lost Jason Miller a few years ago, but Max von Sydow is still kicking! 

 PS - Am I being terribly insensitive when I post stuff like this? I know a man died, but consider the circumstances. A DIY exorcism?    

Here’s some random crap I found while browsing CNN.com, still my favorite news site for no other reasons than the clean layout and Ted Turner’s politics:

That’s one way to handle it.

History has taught us that it takes at least 10 goofy bastards to stage a successful coup.

Crazy white man at Roger Williams uses the N-word and explains thus: “I apologized for that. What else can I do? Kill myself?” Is that an offer? At least he’s being magnanimous about the whole thing…

All this world needs is more apologies. I hate unnecessary apologies. I make people apologize for them.

Speaking as a moral relativist, you’re boring the fuck out of me. Obama did coke and pot back in the day, and he acts like it wasn’t a big deal, because it wasn’t a big deal. That says more about his morals than any of Edwards’s bland bullshit.

Best places to live? Or do you mean best places to avoid being near poor people? The list should go like so: 1) New York City 2) Portland, Oregon 3) Other big cities 4) Medium cities 5) Crappy suburbs 6) Rural communities 7) Money’s list… inverted.

When all is said and done, this guy will end up with the best nickname ever. My first thought was Toothface, but that sounds too much like a Batman villain.

I smell the end of the GOP.

I always thought he choked on his own ego… or his own dick.

Faith restored.

POLICE OFFICER: Ma’am?

ARGENTINA ECONOMY MINISTER FELISA MICELI: Yes, officer?

PO: There seems to be a bag containing US$64,000 cash in your medicine cabinet.

FM: Uh-huh.

PO: …

FM: What?

PO: …

FM: I can’t keep $64,000 in foreign currency in my bathroom? That’s illegal now?

PO: [shakes head]

Quote of the year: “It’s offensive to me and my family. I have a 17-year-old daughter. I have school buses that come by, and we have to look at this artwork that wouldn’t be seen on the cover of a magazine in Wal-Mart.”

1. You’re one of the most influential men in America. You’re the leader of a super-megachurch with a congregation of 14,000 people and the National Association of Evangelicals, and President Bush regularly seeks your counsel. You’re at a hotel in Denver, and you’re feeling a little tense. Do you…

a) Pop a few quarters in the Magic Fingers then drift off to sleep?

b) Call your wife and let the familiar voice of a loved one soothe your soul?

c) Visit a luxury spa and have a small European woman who doesn’t speak English give you a relaxing massage?

d) Call a male prostitute and have him give you a massage?

If you selected a, b, or c, congratulations: You’re not an idiot. You may now stop reading.

If you selected d, you may have a few problems with your judgment. Proceed to the next question.

2. You get a massage from the male prostitute (let’s call him Mike). In the middle of it, he tells you about methamphetamine, an illicit stimulant you’ve never heard of because you’re an upstanding man of the cloth. Do you…

a) Gently tell Mike that he should abandon his sinful ways and turn his life over to Jesus then go back to your hotel?

b) Assume Mike is a comedian and laugh it off then go back to your hotel?

c) Realize you’re getting a massage from a male prostitute who’s now offering you drugs, come to your senses, cut your losses, and run back to your hotel before anyone finds out?

d) Buy some of Mike’s meth?

If you selected a, b, or c, congratulations: While you initially showed a lack of judgment, you’ve atoned for it. You may now stop reading.

If you selected d, you might have a serious problem on your hands. Proceed to the next question.

3. So now you’re done with your massage and you’ve got some meth. Do you…

a) Come to your senses, throw the meth away, and hope nothing ever comes of it?

b) Try the meth just once to see what it’s like, never do it again, and hope nothing ever comes of it?

c) Take the meth to the police, admit to them what you’ve done, and tell them where they can find the guy who’s hooking and dealing drugs?

d) Try the meth, realize that it’s awesome, then engage in a three-year homosexual affair with Mike, all the while decrying how homosexuality is evil and lobbying to ban gay marriage in your home state of, say, Colorado?

If you selected a, b, or c, congratulations: You made a few mistakes, but in the end you did the right thing.

If you selected d, well, seriously, dude: What the fuck is wrong with you? You better hope no one finds out. Proceed to the next question.

4. Someone found out. In fact, everyone found out. Mike saw you on TV, realized you were a fucking douche, then went public with his story. Do you…

a) Deny everything and and plead ignorance, explaining that Mike must be a homosexual angry over the gay marriage ban?

b) Resign your leadership positions but deny everything at first, then later admit to the meth and massage parts?

c) Confess Jimmy Swaggart-style and hope everyone forgives you?

d) Have Mike whacked?

If you answered a, b, c, or d, sorry, but you’re in too deep for America to forget about what happened. America just isn’t like that. Proceed to the next question.

5. It doesn’t matter what you do at this point. Do you…

a) Forget your public life, repent, and hope God will still accept you into Heaven?

b) Divorce your wife, move to the East Village, and take up with a sexy twenty-something named Pedro?

c) Run for president?

d) Take your own life in shame and hope like hell that Satan doesn’t rape you with his barbed penis?

The middle third isn’t that funny, but the other parts almost make me want to take up golf. Or at least hang out with Bobby Knight.

“Eat me!”

“OK.”

Life imitates Bob and David.