I’m pretty sure I complained about how awful ESPN.com’s Page 2 is somewhere else on this blog. I don’t really feel like finding it right now, because it would only distract me from doing the same thing all over again right now.
Sportswriters are a pretty incompetent lot when you get down to it. They’re presented with a topic that’s wildly popular in its own right - one with enough huge personalities and ready-made drama to keep a dizzy nation occupied through the best and worst of times - that you’d think they would have no trouble finding fodder for brilliant stories. But somehow they manage to fuck it all up. They take wonderful stories and turn them into extraneous pap with purple prose and misguided attempts at finding deeper meaning.
My theory is that all the good writers are off doing other things. Sure, there are talented writers writing about sports, such as those at one of my favorite sites in the world, Fire Joe Morgan. But those guys are professional comedy writers moonlighting as bloggers, and in the end, they just make me wish they were actual sportswriters sent to save us from the Page 2-ers of the world. What we’re left with is a bunch of middle-aged failed athletes who lack the ability and emotional depth to take the great stories that sports offer and present them to us free of overwrought bullshit and dumb (read: incorrect) conclusions.
FJM is pretty vigilant when it comes to documenting the virtual dick-sucking that goes on when guys like David Eckstein win the World Series, but another breed of crappy sports writing usually goes unnoticed: comedic sports journalism. In the right hands, sports can make for great comedy - look at Major League and Bull Durham - but the worldwide leader in sports gives us shit like this.
Yeah… It’s a mock advice column written by New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. Funny idea, huh?! Belichick’s great! He can deadpan with the best of them, dresses like a frat boy with a perpetual hangover, wins a lot of Super Bowls. What could go wrong?
Well, everything. Let’s go SAT for a second before we jump in. Page 2 : comedy :: Jay Leno : comedy. (That’s the best I got, but I think it’s apropos.)
- First, there’s a question from “Embarrassed in Athens,” in reference to the entire Georgia football team celebrating in the end zone following a touchdown.
Belichick replies: “The next time your team scores first, have them gather as a group, then mark their territory by lifting their legs and urinating on your opponent’s end zone, goalpost and mascot.” Yes! A pee joke right off the bat! Peeing is funny! Hee-hee. Pee!
- Then we get our first reference to Coach B’s attire, a question from a homeless man who accuses Belichick of stealing his clothes.
The coach responds: “I didn’t know that it was wrong to steal from homeless people. I figured that since they don’t really have anything to begin with, how is it possible to steal nothing? But then I misinterpret rules all the time.” Funny and topical. Well, not funny, per se, but topical in a lazy sort of way. (I think that’s a KRS-One line.)
- Oooh! Here’s a good one! It’s from Matt (Ryan) in Boston. The BC QB apparently doesn’t feel confident about his team’s prospects down the stretch.
Coach says: “I know you can’t change it this season, but you need to get in an easier division. Fill your schedule with the equivalent of the Jets, Bills and Dolphins. Temple, Duke and Notre Dame, for example. And then try to play each of them twice a year.” Oh come on! It’s one thing to be completely unfunny, but do you have to be completely wrong at the same time? Say what you will about the Patriots’ competition, but they’ve been a wrecking ball attached to a tank with a hungry cougar strapped to it so far this season.
I almost missed this Brady jab: “Finally, if you want to win the Heisman, make yourself stand out from the pack. Wear an ascot, hug a goat, impregnate a B-actress, date a supermodel.” Fathering illegitimate babies and dating models = comedy gold? Who does those things???
- This piece only gets better. The next questioner asks, “I have a new album out. I need to promote it. There’s just one problem: I can’t figure out how to shock anyone. I mean, shave your head, kiss Madonna on MTV, flash your bits for the paparazzi, try to whiten your infant son’s teeth, make air quotes for Matt Lauer … it’s all been done. By me! So now what? How do I get people to pay attention?”
Wow. A Britney reference. We’ve entered uncharted waters. Be careful, and if you’re in doubt, make references to R. Kelly, Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, and Tom Cruise.
“Record a sex tape with R. Kelly, Paris Hilton and Henry Kissinger, scored to “Singin’ In the Rain.” Dangle a diapered Michael Jackson off a hotel balcony. Score an interview with Tom Cruise the next time he has a movie to promote.” Well played.
It doesn’t get any better from there: Bush-Iran questions, Star Wars references, and so on down the comedy sewer. Then we have the clincher. The comments section indicates that most ESPN.com readers loved the article. I’ve never felt so right about anything in my life.
