I can’t believe it’s been a week* since the last MySpace Hottie episode! But time flies when you’re young and in love and you have a dog and a job and things like that. Anyway, have I got a treat for you this week! Pamm comes to us via Thomas, part of the growing army of people who are kind enough to pass along super-hot hotties in support of my noble goal of making fun of MySpace users. So here she is:

Things you should know about Pamm: She’s 51, lives in Indiana, and has three loves: Jesus, Mike Huckabee, and some guy named Pizza Mike.

Let’s do Jesus first. Embedded in the background of Pamm’s profile, we find some words that can only be lyrics to a Christian rock song (confirmed by Google: “You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman). The ditty goes, “And I will fear no evil / For my God is with me / And if my God is with me / Whom then shall I fear? / Whom then shall I fear?” Well, off the top of my head: Barack Obama, Satan, terrorists, people who want to take your guns away, tax-and-spend liberals, Iran, and haters of freedom everywhere.

Then she gives us this:

I honestly don’t understand this. I mean, I get the message it’s trying to send, which is that Jesus will evidently accept anyone who believes in Him, like that one verse says, but why is it a faux driver’s license? It just doesn’t add up. Like, “since creation” isn’t really a date. Even if it were, the box should be in reference to the holders of the license (All Who Believe), which would mean modern Christians even predated Jesus! Impossible! Man… Maybe I’m overthinking this. This is why I don’t write these more often. I get headaches.

So let’s talk about Mike Huckabee, who is featured prominently throughout Pamm’s profile. Pamm has this little box that supposedly allows one to enter a dollar amount, click “donate,” and instantly give money to the Huckabee campaign. I decided to call her bluff. I tried to enter $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in the box, but then it told me there was a $500 limit. Even when I entered $500, it just forwarded me to another site. I knew it didn’t work that way!

But what about Pamm herself? What is she all about, other than Jesus, Huckabee, and Pizza Mike (who turns out to be her husband)?

Her favorite music doesn’t really include anything worth mocking further - mostly Christian music and some bland secular rock. But the movies? AWESOME! First on her list are the “Left Behind” movies, which, let me tell you, are some of the greatest comedies ever made. They’re about an atheist TV news reporter (Kirk Cameron) who endures the Rapture and the rise of the Antichrist, who is aided by a Jewish scientist (take that, evolutionists!), after he is - *gasp* - LEFT BEHIND! Really good stuff. Add that shit to your Netflix queue post haste. Also among her favorite movies: “anything by Tyler Perry.”

If you’ve read this feature before, you probably know that the “About me” section is usually my favorite of any MySpace profile, and Pamm’s is a perfect example of why. She writes, “I love the Lord and hope to walk the Streets of Gold with Him real soon.” Honestly, I have no problem with Pamm being a Christian. I think that’s fine. I’m glad she has that happiness and stability in her life. But isn’t there something morbid about hoping for your own death just so that you can get on up to heaven sooner? And then she says, “My primary interests include studying the Bible, the Endtime…” See what I mean? Weird and morbid! And so on: “My favorite thing is to walk cemeteries and see who I can find in my family. I have located over 300-400 graves over the last 6 years with 200 in the first 6 months.”

So that’s it for Pamm. Jesus, Mike Huckabee, and a strange fascination with death. Go forth in peace.

*two months

Ya know that Simpsons episode where Homer gets a computer and designs his own site, and it’s full of colorful, tacky animated gifs and annoying sound clips that he stole from other sources? I think that’s kind of like how Sharon assembled her personality.

Wow. I think that’s the meanest thing I’ve ever written. But we’ve already gone too far, so why stop now? Besides, it’s like my old teacher Blogmasta I-Bee-Nutz liked to say: “Muhfukkas who blog skurred ain’t never go’ change da world.” That was before the Blog Wars of ‘06 claimed his life (Mourn ya till I join ya!), but I think his message still applies.

Let’s get back to Sharon before I get too far off the subject, which, if you recall, is Sharon. This picture sums her up pretty nicely:

One part Ashlee, one part Avril… All attitude. Don’t cross her, because she’s not afraid to wear pink and flip you off at the same time! She’s a punk! Nyah!

Oh, and she’s 20. I know all of our female readers had their own sk8er grrrl phases, but by the time 20 rolls around, it’s time to start thinking about getting married and having babies. Or at least not acting like a bratty teen.

Let’s go bullet-steez for a sec, because today’s bratty teens have been spoiled by the Internet, and they can’t sit still for long paragraphs:

“i have a mom, dad, older sister and a younger brother. They are all sometimes kinda awesome.” - A couple of adverbs in the second sentence make me think she hates her family.

“i like to swim, paint, color, skip and draw!!” - 20.

“and i’m currently going to Brazosport College to get an art degree so that i can work for Pixar!!!” - I’m not entirely convinced that Brazosport College is a real thing. They do have a site set up, but it looks like it was made with crayons and construction paper.

“i wanna be famouser and i write comics- ‘FLyBoi and WonderGurl’ and thier gonna be famous too someday!” - If she gets published before I do, I promise you I’ll quit trying at life and become a nun.

“i have a lot of different types of friends, but most of them listen to country (and i totally don’t listen to country and stuff.)” - I mostly listen to Ghostface and indie rock. I don’t think this is gonna work out between us after all, Sharon.

“And i ♥ those shoes that my sister gave me because i wore them out, and thier pink and cute!” - Please read this then retry the previous sentence.

“i feel like everone’s growing up to fast. i was looking at myspace profile of some of the people who graduated with me. Lot’s of them are married and have kids. Somehow it makes me a bit jelly, but at the same time i’m just like, well whatever. To have a husband and a child would be a lot to take care of, and i feel like for a person to live that life, they should be able to live on their own and not be dependent of anyone else to start with. but that’s just me.” - I expect/require A. to comment on the devilish way one might parse the first line of this paragraph and then extrapolate the idea into a short story for future posting on BC.

“i had the worst nighmare ever. everyone that i love and care for dissapeared and i was left alone, with nothing to live for. and then everything around me started to dissapear as well…
and that’s when i woke up.” Oh, come on, Sharon. You know very well you stole that nightmare from a very famous Twilight Zone episode.

That’s all the shit I got on Sharon. I’m gonna go sulk in the corner now.

---

While I’m here, let me say “Merry Christmas” to BC’s loyal readership… And a special hello to the MySpace Hottie segment’s #1 fan (you know who you are).

Can someone please explain to me why MySpace is so much more popular than Facebook? Facebook has gotten a lot bigger, but MySpace still has three times as many users. Most MySpace profiles look like they were designed by a bunch of ADHD kids who broke into the arts & crafts closet… after they had broken into the Pixie Stix closet. On the other hand, Facebook is hyper-organized - save the handful of profiles covered with dozens of silly applications - and easy to navigate. Maybe it’s the fact that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is a nerdy nerd who looks like a cross between Prince Harry and a ferret. Or maybe it’s that this guy owns MySpace, and his deal with Satan makes everything he does successful, no matter how shitty the product is. Most likely, though, it’s because Americans like tacky crap. Why do you think Las Vegas is so popular?

I’m doing my part to fight the MySpace phenomenon, but I’m only one guy. I can’t hope to bring it to its knees. Luckily I’m easy to please, so choosing a random MySpace user every “week” and poking fun of his/her profile is enough to keep me satisfied.

Speaking of making fun of a random MySpace user, let’s do that right now!

Here’s Dave Garber.

Oh, Dave. I can see already that you’re not going to make this easy on me.

So Dave is 32, and he’s a hardcore Mormon. Goes to BYU, loves the Jesus, loves the Republican Party. He explains, “Although science interests me, my real passions are both religion and politics.” Really? I like discussing religion and politics, too! We should hang out sometime. He continues, “I might be best described as a Christian (LDS) libertarian Republican, in essentially that order.” Never mind. It’s not because of your beliefs, though. It’s because you don’t drink or smoke. And it’s because of your beliefs.

See, Dave takes his religion seriously. So seriously that he did his two-year Mormon mission in Michigan. Ya know, MICHIGAN, the world’s center of evil and depravity, a real modern-day Sodom and/or Gomorrah. If you’ve spent any time there, you already know that Michigan is entirely lacking in Christians, especially this place. If God hadn’t had a baby (The Bible teaches us that becoming a father totally softened His heart. Even God is susceptible to change!), He would send a mitten-shaped storm of fire and brimstone to that godforsaken state. But really, even though the Mormon population in Michigan is almost non-existent, I can still think of about 6 billion better places for missionary work. Maybe Dave lacked certain “skills” that would’ve gotten him a better assignment. Skills like hair and something resembling social grace.

Ya know what bothers me most about Dave? He refuses to use abbreviations of any kind. He writes out the words “et cetera” instead of using the ubiquitous abbreviation “etc.” Not only that, but using “et cetera” or “etc.” at the end of a rather open-ended list invites jerks like me to extrapolate at will. For example, he lists his heroes like so:

Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith Jr., Captain Moroni, Moses, Joseph, Marcus Porcius Cato Uticensis, John Locke, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Abraham Lincoln, Barry Morris Goldwater, Ronald Wilson Reagan, Ronald Ernest Paul, Milton Friedman, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, Sir Isaac Newton, Thomas Alva Edison, Leonardo da Vinci, et cetera

I could very well assume - in fact I will assume - that “et cetera” here means Dave is also fond of Anton LaVey, Hillary Clinton, Caligula, and Sean Penn.

And what’s with all the middle names and shit? Who says “Barry Morris Goldwater” or “Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi” or calls Cato anything but Cato? We settled on addressing certain people in certain ways a long time ago, so stop trying to fuck up the system, Dave. Ronald Reagan was an asshole, by the way.

Then we get to Dave’s interests: “conversing, learning, reading, listening to music, playing computer games, watching movies, acting, singing, playing my piano, social dancing, traveling, taking photographs, giving service, et cetera.” Meh to almost all of that. The phrase “social dancing” is probably as stupid and boring as the act of social dancing, but then I think any type of dancing that doesn’t involve being stupidly intoxicated is stupid. And giving service? Tee-hee. (Sorry.)

That was all fun, but I saved the best for last. Apparently Dave submitted his picture to one of those sites that will analyze a picture of you and tell you which celebrities you look like. Here’s Dave’s:

Yep. The celebrity he resembles most is Dawson’s Creek star Joshua Jackson… And he looks slightly more like Sonia Gandhi than Matt Groening.

This one’s dedicated to all the lovely ladies who frequent Barber College, but the gents are also welcome to read on.

Does this guy look familiar? He calls himself Mystery, and it’s quite possible he tried to pick you up one night in a shitty nightclub with a steady onslaught of cheese. Even if he did, the fact that you’re reading this blog tells me you’re a smart-enough gal not to have fallen for his version of charm.

If you’re fortunate never to have experienced Mystery firsthand, you might instead recognize him as the star of VH1’s “The Pickup Artist.” Basically, VH1 and Mystery took eight normal, nice guys who were just lacking in confidence, and Mystery taught them how to manipulate and lie to stupid girls in the hopes of fucking them. Mystery gets paid to do this. It’s his job. In the end, the guys were reduced to cheesy balls of douche. I’m all for people gaining confidence, but these guys were just automatons spewing schlocky bullshit to people who didn’t know any better.

Let’s see what Mystery’s MySpace thingie, which is basically an ad for his services, has to say. He writes, “The Venusian Arts Process, ‘Mystery’s method’ is a practical, field-tested method that allows men from any background to meet, attract, and build relationships with exceptional women of extraordinary quality and breath-taking beauty.”

Ugh. Where to begin… First of all, easy on the adjectives, bud. It makes you sound desperate. As for “Venusian Arts Process,” the only one of those words that doesn’t bother me is “process.” For better or worse, what you’re teaching is a process. But come on! If “venusian” were an actual word - and it’s certainly not - it’d be one you should never use, and using “arts” in this context cheapens actual fine arts like finger-painting and coloring. Then comes “quality.” I don’t know what you mean here. Quality how? Are they smart and well-read women? Do they have good senses of humor? Solid educational backgrounds? Challenging and rewarding careers? Ohhhh! I see what you’re getting at. They don’t wear underwear. You stud, you!

Reading on, we discover that before Mystery was Mystery, he was Erik von Markovik (German for Erik of Markovik, Markovik being a little-known city in the German lowlands), and before that, he was Erik James Horvat-Markovik. Did I mention that Mystery is a magician from Canada? Because he is. If that doesn’t get you wet, I don’t know what will.

But then he drops this bomb: “I, like other magicians including Penn & Teller and James Randi, do not believe in the supernatural and am an atheist.” Whoa! An atheist Canadian magician! I’m gonna start using that as a pickup line. I’ll be like, “Hey. I’m Loquacious (that’s my pickup artist name). I’m a magician from Canada, and I don’t believe in God. Wanna come back to my hotel, and, uh, let me saw you in half?” I’m only kidding, pal! That does explain why you feel the need to lie to women, though. Also, you, unlike other magicians including Penn & Teller and James Randi, are a dick.

This is bordering on fuzzy-hat overload. Explore Erik more at your leisure, and if you’re feeling frisky, definitely start with his YouTube videos. I’ll close now with a text message conversation I had with my brother a few days ago while watching a “Pickup Artist” marathon:

J-Ho: I kind of want to follow Mystery around and tell every woman he meets that he has AIDS.

C-Ho: Or that he’s Canadian. And a magician.

J-Ho: Yeah. Those are worse than AIDS.

I think I’m a pretty nice guy. I’d do anything for the people I love, and I don’t wish harm on anyone. Still, sometimes I wonder if the horrible things I say about certain people are completely unwarranted. Shit, have you heard some of the things that come out of my mouth? They’re awful.

But then I see people like Dani, and my resolve to judge such people on sight and then ridicule every facet of their lives is reinforced. Before we move on, a thank-you and a warning. Thanks to Carly for sending me this link and saving me a lot of hard searching. The warning: You might get herpes if you read beyond this point.

So this is Dani, and she loves flashing the peace sign. No, silly! She’s no hippie! The peace sign is something cool club-type people do with their hands when they’re posing for pictures, especially when they’re posing for pictures in clubs! Why do they do it, you ask? Are they making some kind of antiwar statement or promoting love and understanding? No again, silly! They’re just boring and uncreative! I think the only time Dani isn’t showing the peace sign is when she has a drink or a dick in her hand. But that’s not very often! Hi-yo!

I pledged a while back that I wasn’t going to criticize people for having poor spelling and grammar, and I’m going to stick to that. At the same time, I want you to see how Dani writes. Here’s an actual screen cap from her profile:

Does somebody make a keyboard with an actual “♥” key now?! It’s cute to use it once in a while, but come on! That’s excessive, Dani! And the double brackets around almost everything? That’s a new one for me. If there’s a deeper meaning you know of, please let me know so that I might blog about it on this blog.

I think my favorite line from Dani’s profile is “My friends call me [[Dani♥Cali]].” It’s fun to take that literally. Like, do her friends say “Open Square Bracket Open Square Bracket Dani Heart Cali Close Square Bracket Close Square Bracket?” If I ever meet her, I will.

The subsequent list of interests is pretty dull, but it takes a strange turn at the end, when she writes, “♥[[HaTe]]♥ ♥[[Spiders]]♥ ♥[[FeEt]]♥ ♥[[DrAmA]]♥ ♥[[LIARS]]♥ ♥[[Backstabbers]]♥ ♥[[being sick]]♥ ♥[[HangOvers]]♥” At first I thought these were more things she likes, but then I realized that “♥[[HaTe]]♥” introduces a new list - a list of things she hates. Why “[[HaTe]]” has hearts around it can only make sense in Dani’s mind.

Let’s get serious for a second, because I just noticed that Dani went through a traumatic move from ♥[[CaliFornia]]♥ to ♥[[St. LouiS]]♥ a couple years ago. Like we all know, all the gurls in Cali are nice and real, but all the St. Louis gurls are bitches. How’s a girl like Dani supposed to make new friends? She writes,

the gurls out here are bitches they dogg u for no reason they are jealous and talk shyt yur a whore if u wear a skirt and they always think bad about u if yur not in sweats or dressed like a bumb…trust me i knoe pple call me a whore because im from cali and im wearing a skirt adn a t-shirt..thats some shyt right there..well then they think yur all up in there territory and they tell u that u dont belong and they think yur stuck up…

I feel ya, girl. I’ve been to St. Louis a couple times, and *all* the girls there are like that. I’m from Michigan, and I don’t wear skirts, so they didn’t call me a whore. But still! I know *exactly* what you’re talking about! According to the 2000 census, there are about 182,451 females living in St. Louis, and they are *all* bitches! Also, “bumb” is a really clever pun. Bum + Dumb = Bumb! Get it? I’m gonna start using that.

Thankfully, another MySpace user stumbled upon this blog entry and left this comment for Dani: “hey i was browsing through blogs and just ran into yours, and you know what, i was thinking the same thing as you, thanks for writing it, but yeah i NEED to let you know that you can get mp3 quality ring-tones featuring all the top artists sent instantly to your phone, youll love it, go here and enjoy PS, let me know what ones you picked K?”

MySpacers always take care of each other. A girl gets depressed, and someone is right there with a link to quality ring tones featuring all the top artists sent instantly to your phone. What a beautiful community.

Hi there! Remember this feature and how much fun it is? Me too! Why don’t I do it more often?

You probably realized a long time ago that it’s not exactly weekly, but I like the name, and I’m sticking with it. I should probably do it more often, but it’s actually pretty time-consuming… not that I’ve had a lot going on in the last year. Let’s just say I get distracted.

Whatever. Have I got a treat for you! I know this could be construed as a rather empty statement, but I like interesting people. Ya know, people who see the world in different ways and actually have things to contribute to our culture. But just as annoying as someone who’s entirely vapid is someone who’s marginally interesting but thinks he’s really interesting. Usually they call themselves artists.

Look at Brian, for example. He’s obviously talented, but this is MySpace. He blows it all when he starts writing about himself. When people have a limited amount of space to write about themselves, they usually end up sounding like assholes, and Brian is no different.

Shit, look at the music he chose for his profile. The Album Leaf? Let me tell you a little about them, just in case you’re unfamiliar. The Album Leaf are post-rock, and they’re often compared to Sigur Rós. I don’t like to dismiss entire genres of music, but, hey, post-rock is a genre that doesn’t need to exist, and one Sigur Rós is already one too many. If I go back to Iceland this fall, I might pee on their studio.

That’s all I really need to know about Brian, but let’s move on to his “About Me” section for the sake of enjoyment. This could be a little painful, because Brian writes a few things that remind me of me. But they’re pretty minor and not defining characteristics, so I can still do this from afar. Actually, let’s get those things out of the way right off the bat. Brian writes, “i normally dont like getting wet” and “i dont like heights.” Hey, same here! I don’t like open water, and I really, really hate heights. Enough about me. Let’s get back to Brian, bullet steez.

“im one of the cheapest people youll meet” - Too cheap to buy some apostrophes? Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn’t comment on spelling and grammar anymore.

“i say what i want. if you take offense to it, thats your call” - Oh. You’re one of those. It’s kind of annoying when people are too meek to speak their minds, but come on! If we always said what we wanted to say, we’d live in chaos. Biting our tongues is what makes the world go ’round.

“im straight-edge, but you can drink and smoke and it wont bother me” - That’s good, because those are two of my favorite activities.

“if you dont know me, i dont owe you an explanation for my actions” - Well, that all depends on what you do and to whom you do it. Like, if you stab me in the face, I’ll expect an explanation.

“i dont like wasting time unless im able to” - Say wha?

“i choose stuggling and suffering over the easy way out any day” - Tried it. Never leads to good things.

“i get a big kick out of seeing stereotypes in action” - …

“i loathe overly-ghetto people” - Do you mean, like, black people? What’d I say about biting one’s tongue?

“poor grammar and spelling make me sad” - I used to feel the same way, but then A. sent me a link to this blog. Now I embrace poor grammar and spelling. Don’t be like her.

So there’s that stuff. Here’s my favorite part. Beneath the “Who I’d like to meet” prompt, Brian offers these gems:

-no sluts
-no drug addicts
-no homophobes or racists
-no one whos not doing anything to further their life or doesnt have any goals
-no frat boys or sorority girls (in most cases)
-no “scene kids” i have little in common with most scenesters i know and i dont want to hang out with a bunch of kids that look like me anyways. there are (few) exceptions, though

I have problems with all of these statements.

• “Slut” is a difficult term to define, so we’ll just leave that one alone.
• Most drug addicts are really smart and talented people deep down. Maybe you should help ‘em out.
• As for people without goals, what does that have to do with anything? This country’s too damn goal-oriented as it is. Do what you like and worry about the rest later on.
• I called you a racist a second ago. What are you gonna do about it?
• When you tack the parenthetical on the next item, is that modifying both “frat boys” and “sorority girls” or just the latter? I think I know where you’re goin’ with this one, playa. But seriously, the frat boy and sorority girl stereotypes are pretty unnecessary and misleading. I know where you’re going with the idea, but in a lot of cases, a person’s participation in the Greek thing says little about them. Quit isolating yourself so much, you little misanthrope. Even if you hate a lifestyle so much, wade into it for a bit for the sake of your art. Look at Jesus, man.
• I’m so glad you brought up scenesters! I don’t know you, but I can tell you actually have a lot in common with them. One thing you have in common with the scenesters is that you say you dislike scenesters. Plus they like some decent music, so run with it!

Oh, and then he goes on to list some people he wants to meet, among them Three 6 Mafia. I get it… Irony!

Enough for now. See you next week!*

* “Next week” means sometime in the future, not necessarily next week.

Sure, I complain about spelling and grammar all the time, but the only ones I hold to any real standard are myself, a few friends, and people who get paid to write. A coworker, who’s also a paid writer with impeccable S&G, recently told me about a story she’d read on how ability to master grammar is partly genetic. It’s not that far-fetched, really. For the most part, grammar is very systematic. Beyond that, memorization plays a role. So it’s reasonable to assume that the abilities to understand systems and memorize information - we can probably agree you’ve either got ‘em or ya don’t - would have an impact on a person’s understanding of grammar.

At the same time, it’s entirely reasonable to set a minimum standard for grammar for a number of reasons. I don’t care all that much if you never master it. Just don’t be lazy. As a matter of full disclosure, let me tell you that when I’m doing the AIM or text thang, I tend to take it easy with my language. (Note to a certain someone: That I do this is not ironic whatsoever. We need to start pointing out when things are not ironic to counteract the ongoing irony problem.) Apostrophes are the first to go, then commas, then end marks, and if I’m feeling really lazy, I’ll abbreviate words. Whatever. That’s all one-on-one communication, and as long as the person I’m talking to understands me, fine. But here’s where the MySpace problem comes in. MySpace is a very public forum. The target audience for most MySpacers is probably just their friends, but that doesn’t change the fact that people at large can access the information they post. Basically what I’m trying to say is, won’t someone think of the children? What kind of message are we sending our kids when we misspell 83% of our words, eliminate punctuation to the point of total chaos, and generally betray our laziness and ineptitude? We’re telling them we’re a bunch of assholes who don’t care about their futures, who don’t care if people can eloquently - even efficiently - communicate. We’re telling them to forget about the written word. We’re telling them to turn to television and movies to raise them and to become stupider and illiterater. (Side note: Television and movies aren’t inherently stupid - they’re goddamn important and entertaining media - but when people sacrifice things like reading and going outside for watchin’ shit on screens, that’s a problem.)

You’re probably saying to yourself right now, “Hey, Joel?”

To which I will reply, “Yeah?”

“I thought this feature is about making fun of people on MySpace.”

“It is.”

“Then why are you lecturing me on grammar instead of making fun of people on MySpace?”

“I’m glad you asked. It’s important to introduce these ideas to place this week’s hottie in the proper context.”

“Oh. I shouldn’t have questioned you.”

“No, it’s cool.”

“Hey, Joel?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re my favorite blogger. Your blogging really turns me on.”

“Thanks.”

On to the business at hand. But first, more introduction: This feature - well, namely the guy who writes it - spends a lot of time questioning the literacy of MySpacers (like punching babies in a barrel, only easier), but this week’s hottie brings up an interesting question: What’s worse, a person who attempts to use the written word and botches it with such astonishing competence that the rest of us couldn’t write so poorly if we tried, or someone who says “fuck it” and just uses a bunch of pictures? It’s a tough one to answer, because they’re both contributing to the breakdown of coherent communication. After all, an A for effort really isn’t worth anything when the product is a complete pile of shit. And you could even argue that using pictures instead of incoherent prose is a more effective method of communication. Still, pictures are for babies.

Whatever, for the sake of moving on, let’s say they’re both equally bad. I only ask, because this week’s hottie loves her some pictures! In fact, she responds to questions and prompts with pictures! Sure, she writes out a few things here and there, and of course I’ll make fun of those, but come on! Pictures?

Meet 19-year-old MOSTHATED, short for MOSTHATED N HTOWN. You might think that’s Arabic, but it’s English, and what it really means is “I think I’m really hot shit, and I’ll bet you’re jealous of me. In fact, I’m going to celebrate your jealousy and take it as a compliment. Also, I live in Houston.” Based on her pictures alone, her hobbies are tilting her head slightly, teasing her hair out, dressing like a whore, and having her picture taken while doing the aforementioned.

Scroll down the left side of MH’s profile to her interests. Someone once said that every picture is worth a thousand words, but in MH’s case, the pictures she uses are worth one or two words tops. Those words are weed, Hennessy, Patrón, Alizé, and… ecstasy tablets. Those are her interests. Some top-shelf liquor and a couple illicit drugs. Something tells me she doesn’t read Faulkner.

Wait! At least she sort of claims to sort of read! Under her favorite books she has a picture of the cover of The Cat in the Hat! Hey, it’s something at least. But as my dear friend and ardent Dr. Seuss fan Aubs said upon learning this: “Normally I support Dr. Seuss, but not in this case. I don’t think this girl earned her Seuss.” I couldn’t have said it any better myself, so I didn’t.

MH also posts a bunch of pictures of Houston, which is in Texas, so I don’t care about it. But there’s a peculiar caption above one of them, which features a bald eagle flying over the city. MH writes, “…..THATS A BIG ASS BIRD HUH..FUKIN TERADACTYL LMAO.” First of all, it’s “pterodactyl.” I mean, hello, haven’t you studied Greek?! Even if your Greek is rusty, you could’ve at least found this on wikipedia: “… from the Greek πτεροδάκτυλος, pterodaktulos, meaning ‘winged finger.’ ” Second, pterodactyls were reptiles, not birds! What are they teaching in our classics and paleontology departments these days?!

Oh, shit! You’re never gonna believe what just happened! I was all set to go through the captions on MH’s pictures of her son. I saw a couple of them last night, in which she referred to the approximately two-year-old boy as “nigga,” “thug,” and “gangsta,” if I remember correctly. But do you know what just happened?! In the few minutes it took me to write the above paragraphs, MH changed her profile to private, which means I can no longer access her pictures! This is so depressing. Hate to cut this short, but I’m out of material. Ah well… the damage is done.

Stop, coagulate, and glisten
Joel is back with a brand new edition
‘Bout someone who is rather unsightly
Fuck y’all, I never do shit politely
Will it ever stop? Yeah, I’d guess so
But let’s get to work, cuz I hate to digress so

It’s been more months than I can count on my left hand (but not my right on account of the horrendous case of polydactyly I’m stricken with) since I wrote one of these here pieces. Until I went back through our archives to categorize everything, I had forgotten all about this series. I don’t know how I managed to forget, though, because I always thought of MySpace Hottie of the Week as one of my children. Actually, that makes sense, because I often forget how many actual children I have. But it’s more than two and less than nine, I know that for a fact.

In case you’re unfamiliar with how this works, let me go over the basics: I choose a “random” (read: someone I don’t know at all) person from MySpace, the ugly, evil social networking site owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, and I ruthlessly mock the chosen person based solely on the information and photographs provided on the profile.

All you goody two-shoes out there probably think this is a really mean thing to do, but peep these reasons why it’s not:
1) People who put personal information on sites like MySpace are asking to be judged.
2) Do you think they really care what I think?
3) I’m actually trying to help them by pointing out their shortcomings so that they may overcome them.
4) Facebook is infinitely better than MySpace. MySpace pages look like they were designed by my two-year-old son Jerry (Gerry?), and he has phenylketonuria, thanks to his mother.
5) The Internet was invented for making fun of people you don’t even know.
6) It’s fun!

With that unpleasantness out of the way, let’s get down to business. Today’s subject is Heidi, known to her MySpace friends as FA KIN SU PAH (clever!). Some basic info: She’s 30, tries to look 20, and ends up looking 40, and I’m pretty sure she’s a stripper. She has a son named Brandon, who has a really bad haircut (as barbers, we tend to notice these things), and she lives in Anaheim, California. If I had to guess, I’d say that Brandon will end up working a skin game on Venice Beach, and his brand of choice will be Basic Lights or Pall Malls if he had a good day.

That’s Heidi at a glance, but let’s explore her more in depth. You’re probably asking, what makes Heidi Heidi? What color is her soul? What can she offer the world?

Reader, please! Come up with harder questions next time: delusion and desperation, pink, and BJs.

People like Heidi really frustrate me. I’m sure she’s a good person and only wants to carve out a comfortable life for her and her son, which is all well and good, but how she goes about it and the way she presents herself are all wrong. She absolutely reeks of desperation, and that’s the best way to find yourself a mentally and physically abusive future ex-husband. She spends half her profile on what amounts to a poorly wrought personal ad, and I’d like to spend some time dissecting it. Remember, all the crap in quotes is sic.

She starts things off with this disclaimer: “IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 30…***DO NOT CONTACT ME!!!***” Don’t worry: I am, and I wouldn’t if I weren’t.

She continues: “I am a loyal, worry-free girl, who wants NOTHING MORE than to be ‘in-love’ and ‘be loved’! I am an honest, straight-forward (sometimes a little too brutally honest though) person.” Interesting start. Aside from some strange punctuation, a couple extra hyphens, and some awkward phrasing, her command of the English language is far better than that of the average MySpacer. (Sorry… always have to comment on that. Makes me feel better about myself. She may give better head, but I can out-grammar her any day of the week.) As for the content, nothing too interesting just yet.

She spices things up: “I love taking care of my man by making sure that my womenly duties in a relationship are kept up!!” This is more like it. This I can work with. Question for the ladies out there - and for the gents if they want to weigh in - what the fuck are “womenly duties in a relationship?” Ignore the non-word “womenly” for a second and just try to figure out what the hell she could be talking about. The only things that would make sense to me are things that would set feminism back 50 years, and I like to think that Heidi is above all that.

Moving on: “I’ve done my fair-share of experimentation with different men (and women for that matter) back-in-the-day….SO I can honestly say I am, and have been, ready to settle down with Mr. Right as soon as I find him!! (IF…he even exsists!)” Allow me to rewrite this for you Heidi: “Bi-curious former slut, 30, looking for man for monogamous relationship (stop laughing!). Must enjoy children with bad haircuts, terribly unsexy erotic poetry, and completely ignoring my past, present, and future indiscretions.” That’s more to the point. Also, does anyone else get the feeling that Brandon was an accident? I do.

Enough of that nonsense. Let’s look at her art. Here are some small samples of Heidi’s poetry: “You Start To Work It In Slow And With Such A Perfection… / That Our Bodies Now Move In Perfect Signalization” and “YOU Are My Man…. Not A Little Boy… / YOU Know How To Hump Me And You’re My Pure Sexual Joy!!” Yeah, she typed those words into a computer and put them on the web for everyone to see. I love how she rhymes “Such A Perfection” with “Perfect Signalization,” the way it rolls off the tongue. If MySpace doesn’t already have a poet laureate, I’d like to nominate Heidi. (Aside: I googled “perfect signalization” just for kicks.)

Christ, this chick is giving me a headache. I should probably ease back into writing these thingies, so I’ll stop there for now and let you explore Heidi some more on your own. As always, if you find anyone you’d like to nominate for Hottie of the Week, slap a perfect signalization on ‘em, and I’ll check ‘em out.

Boy howdy! Have I ever got a treat for you! For the first time in Barber College history, we have a guest blogger in the house! And not just any guest blogger, but our esteemed friend A. from Apophasis Now! While I was busy watching one of the most exciting weekends in Michigan sports history, A. took one for the team and ventured into MySpaceland to find some of the hottest hotties ever. All I have to add is this: A.: 1, Skillet: 0. I’ll let A. take it from here.

---

First of all, in case any of you fuckers think I don’t have better things to do than trawl around MySpace all weekend (or ever), let me assure you that I do. I don’t have an account there nor on any other trendy meeting place for trendy young people. I am not trendy.

That being said, I found this week’s hotties — the extremely hardcore Christian metal band, Skillet — through a New York Times article about conservative Christians and their fear that they are losing teenagers to sin and debauchery. On the front lines of the battle to win them back, apparently, are Skillet. Here is what the critics are saying:

They have grown from strength to strength over the 10 years of our relationship. They renew again and again with new approaches and new presentations. Yeah!!!11 Jesus RAWKS!!!!!1!!1!!

Skillet has over the years been able to maintain an energy to their music that is there regardless of whether its source is from [sic] a keyboard, guitar, or a typical Cooper scream. A band with energy and unnecessary prepositions! It’s about time.

This record is everything but a letdown. Oh, boy.

Where to start.

Just look at them! I try not to criticize other people’s fashion choices, but I have seen mullets more dignified than that long-haired-rodent-looking thing on top of the frontman’s head. Nonetheless, they do have an impressive (?) 51,456 “friends” at the time of this writing, the first ten of which appear to be religious-themed music groups, only one of which has a goofier name: DECYFER DOWN, a name so goofy I will not even bother to speculate how many seconds that group would remain standing in a rawk-off with actual metal band, Slayer. Less than eight, though, for sure.

I will give the commentors toward the bottom of the page the benefit of the doubt and assume none is over the age of eleven (but I will suggest for their own good that they learn to read and write before puberty).

And we haven’t even started on the music yet. Oh, yes. The music. It loads without your permission and if you want to stop it, you have to scan the page frantically until you spot the “pause” button on the little music player. I am neither a musician nor a music critic, so I will not attempt to explain exactly what makes the streaming audio on Skillet’s MySpace profile sound like what would happen if you took the worst radio station I listened to in high school and then made it about 68 percent worse and then added a precious air of moral superiority. I will say only that it does.

More than that, it feels phony in a way that goes beyond the phoniness of the average crappy mainstream music act. Sin-free metal is like sugar-free cake. It simply should not be. If you say it’s as good or better than the real stuff, you are a liar.

Which brings us to the final insult: Skillet members think they are doing God’s work.

People are douchey for all kinds of reasons. Musicians doubly so. But when they claim to have the full support, endorsement, and inspiration of a higher power and the best they can do is produce a crappy imitation of already crappy mainstream metal music, well, that is just offensive. If St. Peter is playing this shit at the pearly gates, I reserve the right to hop a southbound train in search of soul choirs, old men with banjos, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, and Tom Waits, all of whom have had fascinating things to say about God over the years and have done so with style, class, and raw songwriting talent.

In sum, Skillet will surely leave you shouting Jesus’s name to the skies, but it won’t be for the reason they think.

A’ight, ev’rybody. I took a week off to regroup, and now I’m back in bidness. I’ll admit that the last episode I wrote wasn’t quite up to snuff, but I swear this week’s will kick some serious fuckin’ ass. This one is so good that I’ll stop writing right now and dive right in. But first, many thanks to Jon for finding this hottie for me.

(This is the obligatory “sic” disclaimer.)

Okay, here he is. Meet $trickly Buizne$$, quite possibly the most ridiculous human being in the history of the universe. Scratch that - probably the most ridiculous grouping of matter and energy in the history of the universe. And that includes Pluto! God broke the mold after he made $B. Scratch that - there couldn’t have possibly been a mold in use. $B is a work of art. He’s so ridiculous that he can’t even incorrectly spell his name correctly. The following would have been acceptable: $trickly Bizne$$, $trickly Buzine$$, and $trickly Bidne$$. By spelling the word as “Buizne$$,” $B immediately loses all of his street cred.

Where do I go from there? Well, just look at this picture (I’ve left the pics full-size to preserve their impact):

$B captions the photo thusly: “we tote dem thangz in da 813.” Da 813, in case you don’t know, is Tampa, Fla. I really don’t know much about guns, but I must admit that pistol thingie is pretty bad-ass (If you know what it’s called, lemme know in the comments (I think it’s a 9 mm, but I dunno what that thing on the barrel is)). But the sniper rifle? What kinda gangsta carries a sniper rifle? I’ve seen both Boyz n the Hood and Menace II Society, and I don’t remember Doughboy or O-Dog carryin’ no sniper rifles. Where do you conceal somethin’ like that when 5-0 rolls up?

Moving on:

Seriously? How many people do you think these guys have killed? Vegas set the over-under at one, and I recommend taking the under.

And then:

The caption? “HOZ DAT BAD AZZ WHITEBOI??” I try so hard not to make fun of poor spelling, and I know $B is trying to ghetto-fy his language, but when you only spell 7.8% of the words you write correctly, you have a problem on your hands. Oh, and why does it look like he has a vagina on his chin?

Jesus, I haven’t even gotten to his “About me” section yet and this is already the longest Hottie in history. Anyway… Well, let’s just reproduce the thing in its entirety right here:

Yah wut up dis be yo boi $trickly Buizne$$ aka Joey. All u’ll need 2 kno iz dat imma hu$$la n i luv money,carz, n women. I enjoy hittin da clubz n wilin’ out wit da homeboiz. It ain no secret dat imma flirtatiouz type a guy. I luv all da girlz but I prefer da blak girlz cuz dey gotz it goin’ on. I gotz 2 shout out 2 all muh ppl reppin’ dat 813 n 727 keep it crunk mufuckaZ! I am a producer/rapper, when eva i geta chance i’m makin new beatz n writin’ wordz to dem. I have been producin’ for a while now, i have recently started to record my muzik. I really gotta luv for producin’/writin’ musik that I neva really knew I had. I will also be goin’ to school for Buizne$$ Administration, I would eventually like to be a financial advisor,sale mortgages,and/or do real estate. So to sum it all up I got big planz for my future n dat iz makin’ $$$ cuz round here itz all $trickly Buizne$$ cuuuuz.<

I’m not about to parse all that shit, but if you’d like to, you’ll win some respect from me. Aside from the unique lexicon, there’s nothing too interesting until you get to the bit about him being a producer/rapper. When I read this, I was all, “Holy shit! It can’t be! It is!” That’s because I scrolled over to the embedded music player and saw that the music featured on his profile was, in fact, his own. Worst. Rapper. Ever. He sounds like Pete Nice, if Pete Nice were mentally retarded and rapped with a heaping spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth. I sure hope that real estate career pans out, because you sure as hell ain’t go’ make it as a rapper, cuuuuz.

I usually skip over my hotties’ responses to that stupid survey thing you’ll find on 80% of MySpace profiles, but I won’t in this case. My favorite responses (with my notes in parentheses):

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Make mo money den u foolz can count (I assure you I can count to 12,000.)

Thoughts First Waking Up: Time 2 get on sum femalez (Question for my female readers: Are you in the mood 2 b gotten on first thing in the morning?)

Your Most Missed Memory: chillin’ wit muh dog josiah bak in da dayz RIP CUUUZ (I’ll assume Josiah was his schoolyard chum in Boca who died of leukemia at a young age.)

Pepsi or Coke: soda not good for yah so i drink krystale (Wonderful health advice. Take it to heart, you rich fatties.)

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: muh grandmaz tea (Now that’s how you be gangsta!)

Do you Sing: nah, i rap (Too easy)

Do you think you are Attractive: hell yah, imma bad azz whiteboi (Even easier)

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: oh yah had 2 cop dem Js (Come again? Do you mean, like, jeans?)

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: i ate sum but notta box (Hellz yah mufucka! I be eatin Oreos all da time but only in moderation!)

Short or Long Hair (on a girl): eitha az long az da chik izza dime (Couldn’t agree more.)

Weight (on a girl): well proportiond 2 fit dey height (Fatties and beanpoles need not apply.)

All I have to add at this point is “WOW.” In the words of one of the greatest gangsters of all time, “English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?”

I realize that $trickly Buizne$$ will probably kill me for writing about him in this fashion, but it was worth it. You’ll all come to my defense, right?

Right?