Hard times for beauty queens women who compete in worthwhile contests of skill and intellect.

But when life gives someone else lemons, I steal and sell them on the black market. I’m already hard at work on my screenplay, “Mis(s)count: What REALLY Happened to Miss California.” I don’t want to give anything away, but at least two psychotic middle-aged pageant moms and a chihuahua die in a knife fight before the end of the second act. Watch for it this spring on Lifetime.

I’m pretty sure I complained about how awful ESPN.com’s Page 2 is somewhere else on this blog. I don’t really feel like finding it right now, because it would only distract me from doing the same thing all over again right now.

Sportswriters are a pretty incompetent lot when you get down to it. They’re presented with a topic that’s wildly popular in its own right - one with enough huge personalities and ready-made drama to keep a dizzy nation occupied through the best and worst of times - that you’d think they would have no trouble finding fodder for brilliant stories. But somehow they manage to fuck it all up. They take wonderful stories and turn them into extraneous pap with purple prose and misguided attempts at finding deeper meaning.

My theory is that all the good writers are off doing other things. Sure, there are talented writers writing about sports, such as those at one of my favorite sites in the world, Fire Joe Morgan. But those guys are professional comedy writers moonlighting as bloggers, and in the end, they just make me wish they were actual sportswriters sent to save us from the Page 2-ers of the world. What we’re left with is a bunch of middle-aged failed athletes who lack the ability and emotional depth to take the great stories that sports offer and present them to us free of overwrought bullshit and dumb (read: incorrect) conclusions.

FJM is pretty vigilant when it comes to documenting the virtual dick-sucking that goes on when guys like David Eckstein win the World Series, but another breed of crappy sports writing usually goes unnoticed: comedic sports journalism. In the right hands, sports can make for great comedy - look at Major League and Bull Durham - but the worldwide leader in sports gives us shit like this.

Yeah… It’s a mock advice column written by New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. Funny idea, huh?! Belichick’s great! He can deadpan with the best of them, dresses like a frat boy with a perpetual hangover, wins a lot of Super Bowls. What could go wrong?

Well, everything. Let’s go SAT for a second before we jump in. Page 2 : comedy :: Jay Leno : comedy. (That’s the best I got, but I think it’s apropos.)

• First, there’s a question from “Embarrassed in Athens,” in reference to the entire Georgia football team celebrating in the end zone following a touchdown.

  Belichick replies: “The next time your team scores first, have them gather as a group, then mark their territory by lifting their legs and urinating on your opponent’s end zone, goalpost and mascot.” Yes! A pee joke right off the bat! Peeing is funny! Hee-hee. Pee!

• Then we get our first reference to Coach B’s attire, a question from a homeless man who accuses Belichick of stealing his clothes.

  The coach responds: “I didn’t know that it was wrong to steal from homeless people. I figured that since they don’t really have anything to begin with, how is it possible to steal nothing? But then I misinterpret rules all the time.” Funny and topical. Well, not funny, per se, but topical in a lazy sort of way. (I think that’s a KRS-One line.)

• Oooh! Here’s a good one! It’s from Matt (Ryan) in Boston. The BC QB apparently doesn’t feel confident about his team’s prospects down the stretch.

  Coach says: “I know you can’t change it this season, but you need to get in an easier division. Fill your schedule with the equivalent of the Jets, Bills and Dolphins. Temple, Duke and Notre Dame, for example. And then try to play each of them twice a year.” Oh come on! It’s one thing to be completely unfunny, but do you have to be completely wrong at the same time? Say what you will about the Patriots’ competition, but they’ve been a wrecking ball attached to a tank with a hungry cougar strapped to it so far this season.

  I almost missed this Brady jab: “Finally, if you want to win the Heisman, make yourself stand out from the pack. Wear an ascot, hug a goat, impregnate a B-actress, date a supermodel.” Fathering illegitimate babies and dating models = comedy gold? Who does those things???

• This piece only gets better. The next questioner asks, “I have a new album out. I need to promote it. There’s just one problem: I can’t figure out how to shock anyone. I mean, shave your head, kiss Madonna on MTV, flash your bits for the paparazzi, try to whiten your infant son’s teeth, make air quotes for Matt Lauer … it’s all been done. By me! So now what? How do I get people to pay attention?”

  Wow. A Britney reference. We’ve entered uncharted waters. Be careful, and if you’re in doubt, make references to R. Kelly, Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, and Tom Cruise.

  “Record a sex tape with R. Kelly, Paris Hilton and Henry Kissinger, scored to “Singin’ In the Rain.” Dangle a diapered Michael Jackson off a hotel balcony. Score an interview with Tom Cruise the next time he has a movie to promote.” Well played.

It doesn’t get any better from there: Bush-Iran questions, Star Wars references, and so on down the comedy sewer. Then we have the clincher. The comments section indicates that most ESPN.com readers loved the article. I’ve never felt so right about anything in my life.

… for the war effort. I’ve read that it would only cost about $20 billion to end world hunger. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 10% of next year’s proposed war budget.

Who out there still thinks this was/is a good idea, and why didn’t you learn how to read newspapers or at least watch television?

It goes without saying that there are a lot of crappy people with crappy taste in movies in this country, but this gives me hope. It’s one of those movies you don’t need to see to know it’s total pap (People who tell you you need to see something before judging it tend to have bad taste).

From the glance I took at the synopsis, it’s about a guy who’s cursed for some reason and has problems with his love life or some shit. But then he meets a woman, who happens to look like Jessica Alba, and he falls for her. For some reason the curse says he can’t fuck her or she’ll run away or something. Whatever. Now I’m bored and sad.

Then again, I didn’t need to go even that far to judge it. Quality entertainment is the opposite of Dane Cook. He’s a perma-dumbass who’s not even fun to listen to when you’re drunk or high or stupid or all three. And Jessica Alba? Well, a part of her exquisite hotness is ruined every time she opens her mouth to talk.

I know I’m picking on easy targets, but they totally deserve it. As long as zero of my screenplays are in production, I reserve the right to complain about shitty movies to no end.

Attn. women: Your legs are a threat to national security. Or airline safety. Or The Children. Maybe. Just get off the fucking plane, will you? I’m trying to be a sexually repressed, sanctimonious asshole over here.

I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen for quite some time.  While Mr Righi may haven handled the situation like an ass, at this point it appears like all of his actions were legal.

 Now I realize  with the current political atmosphere showing a receipt at a retail outlet is not exactly high on my list of endangered civil rights, however, I’m starting to get tired or certain big box retailers treating their honest customers like common criminals. 

This post has been brought to you by the letters A C L & U

Lucien Hoffman thought it was a good idea to leave his 2 year daughter locked in the car on a 92+ degree day.   Why he would rather leave his daughter in the car instead of bringing her into a brothel is beyond me. 

Elizabeth Reta wound up in trouble after accidently killing her infant son after using a cotton swab to clean his nose. The Problem? That same swab had previously been used to clean the family meth pipe. Oh yeah, and the fractured skull and broken arm didn’t help their case much either.

From ESPN.com:

“I’m tired of seeing that [expletive], day in and day out. And I don’t want to spend a miserable September seeing the same [expletive]. If I have to see the same [expletive], I told [team GM Kenny Williams], ‘Bring somebody up. [Expletive] it.’ If it’s my fault, I should be moving out of here then. If it’s my fault, [expletive] fire my ass and I’ll be fine. I have the job to do, and I get paid a lot of [expletive] money to make this club work, but it’s not easy to work with people like that. It’s not easy.”

People who understand baseball saw this coming before the season even started. Ozzie does not understand baseball, that’s for sure, and he makes bad decisions, but mostly they’re struggling because the players are old and bad at baseball.

Adios, Alberto. We won’t miss you.

You know how BP rebranded themselves a few years ago with the sunflower logo and that says “Hey we like the Planet and aren’t trying to kill you anymore”?

FUCK THAT NOISE. They want you dead.

I’m no scientist, but 1,584 pounds of ammonia and 4,925 pounds of suspended solids (sludge) a day can’t be good. I think we’re all of the understanding that getting away with circumventing the CLEAN WATER ACT is bad mojo.

Don’t buy BP/Amoco gas.