February 29, 2008
Dear Mr. XXXXX,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about HOT POCKETS® brand sandwiches. We welcome questions and comments from loyal consumers such as yourself and appreciate this opportunity to assist you.

We have reviewed our records and have determined –to the best of our knowledge that none of our LEAN POCKETS® products are involved in the Westland/Hallmark recall. We have determined that two HOT POCKETS® retail items are affected by this recall. They include only two days of production of HOT POCKETS® brand Philly Steak and Cheese and HOT POCKETS® brand Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese, both in the two-pack box. No other sizes or varieties of HOT POCKETS® brand products are affected.

We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you will visit our website often for the latest information on our products and promotions.

Sincerely,
xxxxxxx
Consumer Response Representative

First there were nine. Then there were eight. Now we have 11?

Maybe I’m just a cynic, but the equation “more guns = less gun violence” doesn’t seem all that logical for some reason.

Jina: The lady next to me on the Metro is talking to herself.

J-Ho: Oooh! About what?

Jina: Various motherfuckers.

Thanks to the lovely and understanding people at Apple, I got a new iPod free of charge today. This is number three. The first was known as jesusPod, because he died one day then rose from the dead two days later. Someone stole jesusPod when he was in his prime, and hopefully that person is burning in hell right now. Next came judasPod, who unceremoniously committed suicide yesterday. So, now I’ll put it to you: What do I call the new one?

I sure didn’t.

Weird. Someone should make a movie (or two) along these lines…

Wishing you the best for a happy and prosperous 2008. Unlike some barbers out there, we promise not to murder you.

With love,

Us

Suck on it, Santa. Happy Holidays, kids.

When I first saw this story on CNN.com about two New Jersey convicts who escaped from prison by digging through a wall and concealing the hole with pictures of bikini-clad women, I remarked to A. that it was unforgivable that the writer didn’t mention “The Shawshank Redemption.” That’s since been fixed.

But there’s something even dumber going on in the new version of the story. It doesn’t have anything to do with style, though. It’s this line: “There is an $8,000 reward for the men’s capture.”

I imagine a conversation between the sheriff (an older, grizzled type) and a deputy (one of his green subordinates) that went something like this:

Deputy: We need to offer a reward for these guys. Ya know, to get the word out.

Sheriff: I agree. $8,000 for the both of ‘em.

D: That doesn’t seem like a whole lot, sir.

S: What, like you got $8,000 cash layin’ around?

D: No, I don’t, sir. But doesn’t it make sense to offer something like $50,000 or $100,000? Ya know, something that really lets the people know how serious this is?

S: This ain’t about the money.

D: But sir, these guys came up with an ingenious and daring escape plan, and they have long histories of violent crime. I just think we should offer an amount that stresses the importance of capturing them.

S: Son, times get rough, I trust my gut. And my gut’s sayin’ $8,000.

D: Could we at least round it up to $10,000? A one with a bunch of zeros after it looks pretty impressive, ya know?

S: Let me ask my gut. … Nope.