Here’s a transcript of a text message conversation I had with C-Ho last night. It started innocently, but things heated up pretty quickly:

C-Ho: Cars-for-xmas commercials and jewelry-for-xmas comercials should be banned.

J-Ho: Yeah. There should be a moratorium on selling anything over $1000 between Thanksgiving and New Year’s.

C-Ho: How uncreative, and how much of an asshole, do you have to be to buy your wife a Lexus for xmas?

J-Ho: Bitches. Love. Lexuses.

C-Ho: I gotcho back like chiroprac… tic.

J-Ho: Stuck on you like a dog got a black tick?

C-Ho: Correct. Keep your heart three stacks!

J-Ho: So much cash banks be runnin’ outta sacks?

C-Ho: Enough sacks to sell that crack from the back of my ‘Lac.

J-Ho: Car so hot I got rims on my rims. Bitches so fly been wit’ like fit-ty Kims.

C-Ho: If you fat I might take one for the team. But I gotta be drunk first, you know what I mean?

J-Ho: Posse roll 30 deep. Too much chedda to reap. Even got a lil midget to carry my grillz. Anotha wit’ a pad to tally my killz.

C-Ho: You win. You’re an awesome battle texter.

J-Ho: You give up, I jus’ keep on goin’. Like dem oompa-loompas don’t show no signs of slowin’.

C-Ho: Do you have Ghostface in the room? I’m impressed.

J-Ho: Ghostface use my cast-offs the last 10 years. My real shit so good would blow ya ears.

via Best Week Ever.

No, really.

I had a Mitch Hedberg moment today - one of those times when I was reminded of Mitch’s uncanny ability to point out the stupid everyday nonsense we usually overlook. It’s one of my favorite Mitch jokes - actually the source of this blog’s tagline. Mitch buys a donut, and he gets a receipt.

Anyway, I stopped at CVS after work to buy a toothbrush and a bottle of water, and the receipt they gave me was over a foot long. Literally. Look at the thing (I put an actual American quarter next to it for scale)! C’mon, CVS. I can’t think of a situation in which I would need to prove that I bought a toothbrush and a bottle of water. But you’ll be happy to know I recycled the receipt.

Moral of the story: Don’t take drugs, because somebody out there loves you.

Oh, it hurts to breathe. Hope your Thanksgiving was cool. Later this week: Dog feud.

• Discuss in-depth strategies with co-workers for dealing with a “Brewster’s Millions”-rules spending spree.
• Coffee, coffee, coffee.
• Read the Internet. All of it.
• Play “Call Off Duty” at lunch. When all the hardcore nerds start snipping the shit out of you, go on epic dieing spree, after which said nerds will declare, “Man, you really were using those smoke bombs.”
• Debate dog names with Mrs. over email until your highly logical argument against “Olive,” makes her really mad apparently.
• Learn to Souja Boy.
• Spend an hour and ten minutes reorganize your Firefox bookmarks to be more efficient and timesaving.
• Choke on irony.
• Watch this 30 or 40 times:

From the coffee counter at the bagel shop this morning:

Bagel Lady: “Spiced sausage on everything?”

Guy: “Yeah.”

Suck it, New York.

Hello, friends. I just wanted to say wassup and let you know that I’m still here. It’s been busy around here at the BC Outpost. I promise to post something magnificent soon.

Hey Patwannas.

Real quick: Yesterday, I was walking home after work and I happen to glance into a basement apartment and what do I see: a naked man with nothing between me and his yorder, but his laptop. My doctor says no computers for at least a week. Sorry if that means you have to go elsewhere for breaking nerd news.

Anybody see a halloween costume that didn’t blind them?

Today learn how to beatbox …